December 24, 2010 Slideshow

Here is the slideshow for the 24th, Zayana's second day on this Earth.  She had lots of family come and visit her this day and while each person came in with low spirits, they left feeling full of hope.  I swear that she is smiling in some of the pictures!  Love you  Munchers!

December 23, 2010 Slideshow

The Christmas season is now offically over and things are starting to get back to "normal" for Chris and I.  We had some tough times over the holiday week, especially on Christmas Eve and New Years Eve.  As promised here are Zayana's pictures from when she was born. I will be posting more pictures and videos later.

 

Hope you enjoy this slideshow.  Click on it and it will take you to the Picasa Web Album. Mommy and daddy miss you lots Munchers!

December 24th and 25th, 2010

On December 24th I was able to compose myself and finally remember to record some video of our Z.  I remember this day specifically because she was more awake on this day than the 23rd and more responsive as you will see in the video.  On this day we also had our phone consult with the geneticist.  I will to my dying day remembers that conversation.  This is when we were told that Zayana Grace did have Osteogensis Imperfecta and that her diagnosis was dire.  We were told that the likely hood of her survival was minimal and that we probably did not have long with her, maybe a couple of days.  As you can believe it was very heartbreaking.  I remember one specific conversation with the doctors where I asked if we would be able to take her home.  Their response was "Lets take it one day at a time."  Hearing that my heart just sank.  Chris and I were just devastated.  We sat there and cried for what seemed like a couple of hours thinking that the miracle we just received was going to be taken away. 

In the midst of our heartbreak we decided to try to compose ourselves and be strong for our little girl. We wiped away the tears and walked back over to her crib.  It seemed like one of the longest walk of our lives.  And to hour surprise our little Z was awake and she seemed to know that we needed to be consoled, that we were the ones that needed to be picked up.  I remember the look she gave us when we got to her crib.  It was magical.  She looked at us as to tell us, "I'm OK mom and dad, things will be fine."  From then on we just knew that no matter what was said of our Z she would perceive and fight till the end.  From then on we had hope. 

On the 24th  Zayana had lots of visitors.  All of them coming in with glum hopes and prepared to say their goodbyes.  They left with uplifted hearts and more hope than they could imagine.  This was her gift to everyone that Christmas.  My dad was a big recipient of her gift.  I remember just how devastated he was when I told him the news that she may not live long.  I had never seen him like this before, even when his father passed away.  He just could not believe that his precious granddaughter Zayana Grace was on this Earth for a limited time.  He was one of the first people I brought in to see Z.  In the video you can see just how happy she made him.  She gave him the gift of hope.  Thank you little Zayana Grace for giving your grandpa this gift. 

Here is Zayana Grace's second day on this Earth.





On the 24th we also had Zayana baptized. 



After a long day, Christmas came and we were a bit tired.  But we were still very thankful that our little Z was still here and this is when Chris and I started our tradition of singing "Happy Birthday" to Zayana at 12:47am of every morning she was here.  We did not get it on video but here we are waiting to sing to her. 

Merry Christmas

Merry christmas Munchers, daddy and mommy miss you very much! You would have looked so pretty in your Christmas dress. Love you mija!

In Z's Memory

Since Z's passing Chris and I have talked about what we were going to do to memorialize our daughter.  We know that we wanted to give back as we recieved so much love, help, and inspiration throughout her short life.  We wanted to help educate and infom others about Z's life and what she was facing.  Since then we have become advocates for speaking out about Osteogensis Imperfecta (OI) in numerous ways.  We participated in Bloomsday not long after her passing and talked to everyone we could about OI.  We wore yelow t-shirts with her pictures to help raise awareness for Wishbone Day.  Chris established "From Z With Love" to help new parents with OI children learn more about the condition and let them know that they were not alone in thier struggles.  We have also become very active in Brief Encounters, a support group we attend for bereaved parents. 

And on her birthday we did our daughter the greatest honor we thought possible.  We decided to collect items for the St. Vincents NICU where she spend her first 9 days.  We colleced items from blankets to toys and donated them all to the NICU.  Chris called it "Zayana's Birthday Bash" and we celebrated her birthday in the place she was born.  It felt really good to give back on such a grand scale.  I think it helped us get through the day. 

Below is the KGW story they ran on us. 

A Year in Retrospect

A year ago our daughter Zayana Grace was born.  Its hard to imagine that a year has passed since that early morning on December 23rd.  Everyday I replay that day in my head and it helps to bring me comfort in this harsh reality that she is no longer here with us.  It brings me conform because for me its like hitting the reset button and starting over.  Once I go back to the day of her birth, I have another 16 weeks to live with her.  I know that it will never bring back my daughter.  I know that I am currently just filling the void that was left in my heart when she left.  But for the rest of my life I will "reset" my mind to the 23rd of December and that faithful morning where I was able to first hear her little cry, be able to see that little swollen face of hers, and to be able to hold her once more. 

A year ago I started to take pictures and videos of Zayana in order to have them forever and show her just how much she had overcome.  Needless to say they along with my memories are all I have left of her.  A friend of mine who also lost a child once said that he counted all of the picture he had and was both amazed and saddened by the number of pictures he had.  Amazed in the number he was able to get during his all to short two month life and saddened that he was not able to take more and that he should have taken more.  I too feel the same right now.  I am so happy that I have all of these pictures and videos to look at but I wish I was able to take more or that I should have taken more.  I know there are days that I did not pick up the camera because I felt like I didn't need to take a picture.  I now second guess that decision.  I should have taken more. 

For the last year I have kept a lot of these pics and vids to myself.  They have been mainly for my wife and I to look at when we needed reminders of our precious Z.  Some family and friends have seen them but not all of them.  I know that has been somewhat selfish of me but I can't help it, she was MY little girl and these pictures were OURS.  But as time passed I decided to myself that I would not hold that all in anymore and I promised to Z that I would show everyone just how beautiful she was.  As of today and for the next 16 weeks I will be living Zayana Grace's life here on the blog.  I will post as many pictures and videos as I can.  I will show everyone Zayana Grace in all her glory.  I think this will help in my healing and in the healing of others.  I am in the process of creating a channel on YouTube and posting all of her videos there and creating slide shows of her pictures for all to see.  Zayana deserves it. Everyone else deserves it.  So from today on I will post corresponding pictures and videos from the days that she was here.  I have a couple of pics and videos for the 23rd and 24th and I will soon post them.  And every day until that faithful day in April I will post.  I love you my precious Zayana Grace!  Daddy misses you so much Munchers!

Happy Birthday

Happy birthday to the prettiest, smartest little girl I know.  At 12:47am one year ago today you changed our lives for the better. We love you and miss you so much Munchers! Hapoy birthday to my dear Zayana Grace Mendez!

Happy 11 month birthday Muncher! We love you and miss you lots baby girl!

Your Mommy's Birthday

My Sweet Little Girl Zayana Grace,

Hi Munchers!  Last time I wrote you was on your 9 month birthday and to tell you of your little brother.  Today I want to talk to you about another special day for us.  That special day is October 10th. You know why it’s so special?  It’s because this is your mommy’s birthday.  Yea that right, your mommy had a birthday yesterday.  Unfortunately it wasn’t a completely happy birthday.  Your mommy was sad yesterday because she missed you so much.  I don’t mean to say that its your fault little one, because its not.  To be honest everyday without you is a sad day, which makes special days like yesterday even harder.  Let me tell you a little about what we did to celebrate your Mommy's birthday.

On Friday we went to one of our most favorite places in the world, Manzanita.  We decided to take a weekend trip to the coast and spend some time to ourselves.  Of course we brought you along with us too.  While we know your spirit is always with us we also brought along our “Munchers Vision”.  You know Munchers Vision, it’s the digital frame we have with all of your pictures.  Mommy and daddy never go away without bringing our Munchers Vision along with us. As always it helps us to see all of your beautiful picture. 

We spent the majority of the weekend just being.  With our busy lives and our opposite schedule your mommy and daddy don’t really get enough time to be together.  So on weekends like this we just like to be together and try to relax.  We walked around the small town.  We walked along the beach when it was not raining. (BTW-thanks for the sunshine on Saturday!)  And as we always do, we talked about you.  We love to talk about you Munchers!  We laughed and we cried.  Together, we missed our little girl. 

Mommy was also able to write your name on the beach.  She loves to do that.  Every time we go to the beach, she writes your name in the sand.  I think it helps her.  She just writes your name so beautifully.  Beautiful writing for a beautiful name. After she was done we just stood there and admired your name.  We said a few words, we shed some more tears, and we told you just how much we missed you.  I don’t think we can ever tell enough just how much we miss you!

On her actual birthday (Monday) daddy decided to stay home with your mommy and spend more time with her.  Daddy loves spending time with your mommy.  We didn’t do much.  No real celebration just the two of us missing you.  Simba was really snugly with your mommy.  I think he knew she needed extra snuggles that day.  Your mommy was very grateful to him for snuggling, but I think she still wished it was you she was snuggling. 

It breaks my heart to see your mommy so sad. I wish that I could do something about it but unfortunately I know I cant.  Its just part of this process of grieving you.  Special days like birthdays and holidays just aren’t the same anymore.  I'm not saying that they wont be special again, its just hard to be excited about them when we miss you so much.  I don’t know what we are going to do for the holidays this year.  And with your 1 year birthday being just a couple days before Christmas……I just don’t know.

Anyways Munchers, I don’t want to get to down so I will talk to you later about that.  Please try to wish your mommy a happy birthday. I know that she would love to get a visit from you in her dreams.  If you cant come to her dreams, then maybe you could give her a sign that you are thinking of her.  I know she would love that.   Take care Munchers!  Mommy and daddy miss you very much!  I love you!

Always and Forever,

Your loving daddy

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To the most amazing woman I have ever met,


Your daily strength amazes me.  You are the most loving, caring, compassionate, thoughtful, beautiful, person I know.  You were meant to be Zayana's mommy and she was meant to be your daughter. Nobody could have taken care or loved her the way you did.  I wish I could do more to ease your pain.  If I could, I would go up to Heaven and bring our daughter back.  Thank you for letting me be your husband.  Happy birthday my love!  I love you so much!


Always and Forever,


Your Loving Husband

9 Months

My dearest Zayana,

Daddy has been thinking of you all morning.  I have been thinking about how today is your 9 month birthday!  I am sending you a big, big 9 month birthday wish and hung.  I wish that I could give it to you in person but unfortunately I can’t. Daddy has been thinking about what you would be doing today.  Would you be trying to roll over?  Would you be trying to sit up?  Would you be having long conversation with daddy about the geo-political climate of today?  Maybe not the latter but you probably would be more vocal today.  I miss that.  I miss the things that we never got together. I will always miss the missed.  But I will not try to be too sad today.  That was a couple of days ago with your Heaven Day.  Today is a day of happiness.  Today 9 months ago you changed my life forever. 

Oh Munchers I just miss you so much.  It’s hard to look at your pictures and not shed a tear.  But that is ok.  I don’t mind crying anymore, especially if it’s for you.  I love all of you pictures.  I love your smiling ones, your yawning ones, your stone face poker looks, I love them all.  I am so glad I was able to take so many.  Yet sometimes I wish had taken more. 

My little Munchers is 9 months old today!!  Yea!!  You’re getting to be such a big girl.  Are you being good for Grandpa Abe and great Grandpa Mendez in heaven?  Are you having a big party with all your little angel friends?  Are you making lots of new friends?  Oh of course you are!  Silly daddy for asking!  I’m sure if you had your way you would be on Gods Heaven welcoming committee and welcoming everyone into heaven with open arms.  It sounds like something you would do.  You would be especially welcoming to all the new little ones (especially the little snowflake angels) that had to unfortunately leave their mommies and daddies and had gone to heaven.  You would tell them “Hi, I’m Zayana.  Don’t be scared.  I too had to leave my mommy and daddy.  Don’t worry, they will be ok, God will take care of them and HE will let you see them from time to time. I know you miss them because I miss my mommy and daddy too, but God will be here to take care of us.  Come on; let me show you around and what we can do here in Heaven.  You’re gonna love it!”  That’s my girl!

So what do you think about being a big sister?  Yea, you’re gonna be a big sister!  Right now there is a little baby in your mommy’s belly.  But you already know that, didn’t you?  Was that you playing with your little brother (I think) during the ultrasound?  It looked like the both of you were playing tickle games.  He was moving so much for us!  I know that was you with him.  Are you excited?  I know I am.  While I may not feel as excited as when I heard that you were inside your mommy, I truly am excited to have another little baby.  I know I have been sad lately but that is not how I feel about your little brother.  I’m sad because you’re not here to enjoy it with us.  I know, you will always be here.  I know that you will always be watching over your little brother, acting as his guardian angel. 

I know Ziggy sounds like a silly name but let me explain.  Ziggy is not going to be his real name.  It’s just a little name we are giving him until we know what he is going to be.  For now he is Ziggy the Zygote.  When we find out what sex he is then we will give him his proper name.  I know, I keep referring to Ziggy as him.  That’s because my gut tells me that Ziggy is going to be a boy.  My gut knew that you were going to be a girl, and I told everyone.  Your mommy and everyone else thought you were going to be a boy.  Not daddy, I knew you were going to be my little girl!  So for the time being HE will be known as Ziggy until we find out that he is for sure a boy.  Im glad you approve!

Happy 9 month birthday Zayana Grace.  You continue to behave for grandpa Abe, great grandpa Mendez and Tia Eva, ok.  Daddy and mommy miss you so much and think about you every day.  You are always on our minds.  Remember, daddy is sending a big hug, kiss, and birthday wish your way.  Be sure to look for your balloons and bows later today, ok.  Daddy misses you.  I Love you Munchers!!!

Always and Forever,

Your Loving Daddy

Ziggy

More to come.......

September 19th: Two Years/Five Months

My Dearest Munchers,

Oh how I miss you so!  Yesterday was one of those bitter sweet days.  I was trying real hard to be happy, and for most of the day I was.  Let me explain a little as to why I was both happy and sad.  Yesterday, September 19th, was the 2 year anniversary of your mommy and daddy getting married.  Usually we would be so excited to celebrate such a day.  Don’t get me wrong because we were excited, it’s just that we were sad too.  We were sad because the best thing to ever happen to the both of us was not here.  One of the best things to come from our getting married was you and we were missing you so much on our special day.  But let me get away from the sadness for a bit and let me tell you a story of a very magical day…..

It all started on a cloudy September morning with of course rain.  Daddy was so worried that it was going to be a wet day and we would have to go to plan B.  Daddy did not want to go to plan be so he checked the weather report…….

As the hours ticked by we finally came to the moment that your daddy was able to see your mommy. That was a magical moment.I remember standing on the pier, with my back turned toward the dock.Then there was this tap on my shoulder and there she was, your mommy looking so beautiful. She looked like an angel.I was just amazed.I felt so lucky.We talked, we hugged, and we kissed. We took a lot of pictures before the ceremony was to start.I felt like I did not want that day to end

As the ceremony was beginning, I remember thinking to myself, “Hey, I’m not nervous”.  It all felt so right.  Yes Munchers that was God telling me that I was meant to be with your mommy.  As the people sat in front of me and family members and friends filed down the aisle I remember thinking I could not wait to see you mommy.  And there she was, all beautiful with a big smile!  I loved it! 

The ceremony was nice and the reception was a big hit.  We had many family and friends around and had a great time.  When it was all over it was just me and your mommy all alone.  We were married on the road to discovering a wonderful life together.  And then came you!  Our biggest blessing since that day!

And while September 19th is a happy day for us, the 19th of any month will also always bring me sadness.  Because you see the 19th is when you went to go and be with God.  It wasn’t the 19th of September; it was the 19th of April.  It was a long 5 months ago on that day we had to say goodbye to you.  And every month that has gone by is just as hard as the last if not harder.  The 19th of any month is just a harsh reminder that I don’t have you here to take care of.  I don’t have my Zayana Grace to hold and love and kiss and play with.  And every 19 of whatever month it is I just miss you more and more.  Every day you are not here with me just hurts. 

I miss you so much Munchers!  While the 19th of September 2011 was special, it just did not feel the same.  I was so looking forward to having you here to help us celebrate.  I was so looking forward to always having my Zayana Grace with me to tell mommy happy anniversary or happy birthday or happy mommy day.  I was looking forward to getting up with you while mommy was still sleeping and making her breakfast, bringing it to her and seeing her face just light up as we BOTH entered the room.  I wish we could have had that.   I wish you were still here.

And so Miss Zayana Grace, you see why daddy has such a tough time.  I know you do and I know that you miss me and your mommy too.  But you luckily have God to hold you and comfort you while you wait for your mommy and daddy.  He will always be there to comfort you and hold you and take care of you.  All things that I should be doing.  But if there is anyone I can leave you with in good capable hands, I think God would be the top of that list.  He will take care of you just your daddy would.  And in turn, He will take care of your daddy just the same.  I miss you my daughter and I will always love you!

Daddy loves you!!!

Always and forever,

Your loving daddy

BTW – Have you met Ziggy yet?  To be continued……….

Your Prayers Are Needed

To everyone that prayed for our family I would like to express my whole hearted thanks. But now I would like to ask you all for more prayers, not for us but for another family. We have been following the lives of Baby Jaela and her mommy and daddy and they currently are in need of many prayers. I wont go into to many details but Baby Jaela is currently in a battle for her life. While she seems to be doing better now she still is not out of the woods yet. She to has OI and is going through many of the same things that my precious Z went through. Please, please, please send you prayers there way because they need them so. I'm not one to ask much from others but if you could please help it would be greatly appreciated.

We know the battle and heartache they are facing all to close. And we know just how much it helps to have those prayers from people. Again I beg of everyone to pray for this family. We want to see Baby Jaela pull out of this. We want to see this family take home there baby. I have even pulled out the big guns and asked Z to come and be with Baby Jaela and help her. I know she is. She has always been such a helper. THANK YOU Z!! And thank you to everyone else, you just don't know how much each thought, prayer, phone call, or email helps. I love you all!

Always and forever,

Z's Daddy

If you want to follow up and read more on Baby Jaela, please follow the link to their blog on our blogroll, "Baby Jaela". Thanks again!

Stumped and sad

Dearest Z,

I was thinking hard today of something inspirational to say.  I wanted to incorporate something touching about remembering 9/11 and you and grief and the lives we live today.  I tried to think of something to say that would inspire.  Unfortunately I couldn't.  I tried but I was just feeling to exhausted and then everything I wrote just did not sound good enough.  So I decided to write something short and sweet and tell you that I love you.   I miss you so much and I just cant help but feel so sad.  I miss you.  I love you.  Take care my little sweetheart, daddy is thinking of his little girl.  Maybe tomorrow I will have something more to say.  I love you Munchers!

Always and forever,

Your Loving Daddy

Daddy's Girl

Precious Baby Girl,

One of my favorite things about our time together was watching you and your daddy interact. Oh my goodness! Such love! I got a greater glimpse into our Heavenly Father's love for us by watching him pour every bit of his heart into you, his little Munchers. He would have done ANYTHING for you. I think that sometimes he made me take naps just so he could spend some one-on-one time with his little girl. I can't blame him. I was the lucky one, getting to be with you all day when your daddy had to go to work. It broke his heart to have to leave the house. He would rush home, fling open the door and shout, "Munchers! Munchers! Daddy's home!" He cherished every second with you and there wasn't a moment that you weren't the very first thing on his mind.

The only thing that could match his love for you, was your love for him. Oh, the looks you would give him. Such adoration. Do you know how happy you made him when you would smile and try to laugh? He tried all sorts of things to make you smile. They always worked. Your bond was incredible. You and I have a very special bond, too, and our love for each other is just as big, but there was definitely a unique, beautiful connection between you and your Daddy. You and I know just how amazing your daddy is. Thank you for returing his love so powerfully. He deserved you as his daughter. The most special little girl for the most special man on the planet.

This is one of my most precious memories. The two people I love most on this earth just having fun and loving each other.

Just remember, Mommy loves you, too and misses you soooooooooooo much!

Prayer

My Little Zayana,

I pray that your mommy finds peace.  She has been having such a difficult time since you’ve been gone.  She loves you very much and just misses you so.  It pains me that I cannot do anything to help her except hold her close and wipe away the tears.  She just misses her little Munchers and all of your milestones you would have reached.  She’s not angry or bitter at other families as they achieve milestones with their babies, she just wishes it was you and her.  Mommy misses her baby girl. 

I’m not one for asking for help but there is one thing I am asking of you.  I know that it may not be possible but if anyone could make this happen I know it’s you.  If you could, would it be possible for you to come and visit your mommy while she sleeps?  She has been asking for a “Munchers Dream” and has not had one yet.  While I know that this will not take her pain and sorrow away, it may give her some comfort.  She just wants to see you again.  Could you do that for daddy Z?  Could you do that for your mommy? 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dearest Lord,

I come to you as your humble servant.  I know that I don’t pray to you enough and I hope to change that.  I am here praying to you as both my wife and I need your help.  We have had such a difficult time since our little Zayana has left us to be with you.  It has been very hard to understand why this has happened and we know that it is your will.  We know that we will probably never get an answer to this question and we do not blame you.  We know you were not the cause of this tragedy and we are coming to the conclusion that we were not as well. 

Again this is your will.  We know that when we come to this Earth we are all given a time.  For our little Z, her time was not as long as ours or others.  We are thankful for the 16 weeks you did give us with her.  It has been such a blessing and we would not change any of for the world. Thank you so much for all you have done for us.

I pray for you love and compassion during these tough time.  Not just for me, but for my wife.  As you know Lord she is having such a difficult time with our loss of Z.  I pray to you to help her find some peace during this long and difficult journey.   I pray to you to help give me the strength to help my wife during her tough times.  I pray that you provide her with your strength and love when she feels like another tough day is ahead of her.  I pray that you provide her friends and family with the love, strength and support that she need from them.  I pray that you help us find the right paths during our journey together.  And most of all I pray that you allow our Munchers to visit her mommy while mommy sleeps. 

Please God I beg of you to answer this one prayer.  My wife needs her daughter.  I know this will not take away all of her pain, but I know it will give some peace.  I beg you to please provide my wife with such a wonder blessing as the one you gave me.  Please bless her and let her visit with Zayana.  She just misses her so much. 

I am your humble servant.  I ask this of you in your name.  Amen.

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Munchers,

Thanks for helping me with my prayer for mommy.  I know you miss her too.  Could you help daddy with one more thing?  Could you deliver my prayer to him in person?  Can you take it to God and help explain how important this is to your daddy?  Maybe while you are there you can help to talk him into it.  Just a thought.

Anyways, daddy miss you lots Munchers!  There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about you.  I miss you so much.  I love you.

Always and Forever,

Your Loving Daddy

Missing You So Much

My Dearest Zayana,

Every month that passes just seems to get harder and harder.  Yesterday would have been your 8 month birthday and I just miss you so much.  I miss you more now than I did on that day back in April that changes my life forever.  At least thats how I feel today.  Honestly it’s probably the same; it’s just that now you have been gone for a little more than 4 months. While the pain may not be as “raw” or “sharp” as it was then, the pain seems to be more of a nagging, lingering pain; more of a continuous sadness.

I wish you were still here.  Yesterday I watched most of the videos we have of you.  I was so happy to see you and hear you while at the same time so sad that I was not that same person in the videos holding my baby girl and laughing and playing with you.  Yesterday I went into your room and looked at your old clothes.  I couldn’t believe that you use to wear these outfits.  They were so small.  I wondered how big you would be now and what new outfits you would be wearing.  It took out two of my favorites and held them close, hoping you would appear in them.  I held them to my face trying to catch a hint of you smell.  I cried and asked why. Why our daughter?  Why us?  Why, why, why! 

I started to feel guilty as I was looking at your Pooh sleeper you were wearing on that faithful day.  Guilty that I was still alive and you weren’t.  Guilty that I wasn’t able to do more to save you.  Guilty that I didn’t do enough with you when you were still here.  The guilt just overcame me and I couldn’t stop crying.  I tried to stop but I couldn’t.  I was asking for your forgiveness.  

It took me a while but I was eventually able to compose myself.  I believe you had a hand in that.  I could feel you small little arms hugging my heart, trying to make daddy feel better.  I love your small, little, harry arms. I love everything about you.  And I miss you so much!

I went to the Dollar Store to get some balloons for your birthday.  Mommy and daddy know just how much you love balloons.  As I picked them out I could feel people looking at me.  Did I look so bad?  Probably.  Even the cashier was looking at me probably wondering what was wrong with me yet buying birthday balloons. I must have looked like a sad wreck.   Anyways I went to see mommy at work and we released your birthday balloons into the air.  Did you get you balloons and hair bows?

I don’t mean to get so sad Munchers.  I just miss you so much.  I know today would and should be a happy day, and I’m sure someday it might be.  Just not today.  But I promise to be happy again someday. 

Happy birthday Munchers!  Daddy loves you.  Daddy misses his little girl.  Daddy wishes you were still here.  I love you.

Always and Forever,

Your loving Daddy

Happy 8 month birtday Munchers! Mommy and daddy love you and miss you lots!

Thinking of You

My sweet little girl,

It’s been a while since I’ve written you and while I have some time at work I figured I should.  Today is another one of the milesotne that we always talk about.  Today is the 4th month since your "Heaven Day" and I miss you so much.  As I say every month, Its hard to believe that you've been in Heaven for so long.   It really does not get any easier as time passes by, no matter what people like to say.  The 19th of every month will from now on always be a sad day for me. 

Don’t worry baby girl, it’s not your fault that Daddy is sad.  Daddy just misses you and wishes that you were here.

As you know we made in impromptu visit to your Grandparents house last week.  I think they were a little surprised when your Mommy and I arrived at their door.  I know Grandma and Grandpa Mendez were happy to see us. They couldn’t stop smiling.  Thank you for helping Grandma through with her knee surgery.  She was really scared and I know that she drew a lot of strength from you.  Thanks Munchers!

While I was in their living room I kept looking at the spot on the carpet that you were at in my dream.  I don’t know why, maybe I was hoping that it would come true.  Maybe I was hoping to turn around and look and see you laying there just like in the dream.  Maybe.   I told them about my dream and they were really happy that I was able to have such a precious moment with you.  I wish I could have another.

I wish you were still here.  I just miss you so much.  Your Mommy misses you too.  She has her up days and her down days just like Daddy.  I know her down days really hit her hard and there isn’t much Daddy can do.  Days like that I wish I could go up to Heaven and bring you back so Mommy can hold you.  I wish. 

You’re always on my mind Munchers.  But that is a good thing; Daddy always wants you on his mind.  I want to always remember my little girl.  I hope that I never get to the day that I don’t think about you. 

I’m sorry but I seem to be rambling today.  There just seem to be so many thought in my head, so I will leave it at that.  I miss you lots Z.  Daddy loves you with all of his heart!!

Always and forever,

Your loving Daddy

BTW:  Have you met Ziggy yet?

Heart to Heart/Books

My dearest Munchers,

Do you remember your Tia Christina?  I know you do, she was the one that showered you with all kinds of gifts and love.  On Friday I had a very good conversation with your Tia Christina.  We talked about how each of us were doing and plenty about you.  We discussed how much we love you and how much we miss you.  It was a very refreshing conversation because she seems to be the only one that “gets it”.  She wasn’t trying to fix me or tell me how to grieve or make it all about her.  We just talked.  We talked about you, talked about our grandpa who is with you in heaven, and talked our family. 

In my conversation with your Tia I realized just how much she loves you.  I know that she loved you but it really became apparent to me just how much she does.  She was going to be one of your biggest advocates and she still is.  Her work spreading OI awareness is phenomenal.  She talked about how amazing you are.  She continues to give and help out your mommy with “From Z With Love”.  She continues to cry and pray for you and your mommy and daddy.  Your Tia is an amazing person and I know the both of you would have had an amazing relationship and it saddens me that you both will not be able to experience it here on Earth. 

Yesterday I came across the books she had sent you.  As you know she sent you a couple of audio books she recorded herself.  I opened them both up yesterday and heard the very touching messages she left for you in the beginning of the books.  They both brought me to tears.  They were both very heartfelt and so thoughtful.  She stated in both about her love for you and how she could not wait to spend more time with you.  I cried.  I cried because I felt sad that the both of you would never be able to have these precious moments she talked about.  The hanging out, the getting to know you, the loving on you as only an auntie could.  I’m sorry that you will never get to spend time with your Tia and that she will never get to spend time with you. 

Again you Tia is an amazing person and I am so proud of the person she has become.  I am so proud to be her big brother and I miss her so.  I am so glad that she was able to meet you in person and that I have pictures of the two of you together.  I am so glad she is your auntie.  Watching her with you reinforced my thoughts that she would be a fantastic mother.  If you get a chance please visit your Tia and let her know how much you love her.  I’m sure she would love that.  Take care mija, daddy misses you lots.

Always and forever,

Your Loving Daddy