Prayer

My Little Zayana,

I pray that your mommy finds peace.  She has been having such a difficult time since you’ve been gone.  She loves you very much and just misses you so.  It pains me that I cannot do anything to help her except hold her close and wipe away the tears.  She just misses her little Munchers and all of your milestones you would have reached.  She’s not angry or bitter at other families as they achieve milestones with their babies, she just wishes it was you and her.  Mommy misses her baby girl. 

I’m not one for asking for help but there is one thing I am asking of you.  I know that it may not be possible but if anyone could make this happen I know it’s you.  If you could, would it be possible for you to come and visit your mommy while she sleeps?  She has been asking for a “Munchers Dream” and has not had one yet.  While I know that this will not take her pain and sorrow away, it may give her some comfort.  She just wants to see you again.  Could you do that for daddy Z?  Could you do that for your mommy? 

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Dearest Lord,

I come to you as your humble servant.  I know that I don’t pray to you enough and I hope to change that.  I am here praying to you as both my wife and I need your help.  We have had such a difficult time since our little Zayana has left us to be with you.  It has been very hard to understand why this has happened and we know that it is your will.  We know that we will probably never get an answer to this question and we do not blame you.  We know you were not the cause of this tragedy and we are coming to the conclusion that we were not as well. 

Again this is your will.  We know that when we come to this Earth we are all given a time.  For our little Z, her time was not as long as ours or others.  We are thankful for the 16 weeks you did give us with her.  It has been such a blessing and we would not change any of for the world. Thank you so much for all you have done for us.

I pray for you love and compassion during these tough time.  Not just for me, but for my wife.  As you know Lord she is having such a difficult time with our loss of Z.  I pray to you to help her find some peace during this long and difficult journey.   I pray to you to help give me the strength to help my wife during her tough times.  I pray that you provide her with your strength and love when she feels like another tough day is ahead of her.  I pray that you provide her friends and family with the love, strength and support that she need from them.  I pray that you help us find the right paths during our journey together.  And most of all I pray that you allow our Munchers to visit her mommy while mommy sleeps. 

Please God I beg of you to answer this one prayer.  My wife needs her daughter.  I know this will not take away all of her pain, but I know it will give some peace.  I beg you to please provide my wife with such a wonder blessing as the one you gave me.  Please bless her and let her visit with Zayana.  She just misses her so much. 

I am your humble servant.  I ask this of you in your name.  Amen.

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Munchers,

Thanks for helping me with my prayer for mommy.  I know you miss her too.  Could you help daddy with one more thing?  Could you deliver my prayer to him in person?  Can you take it to God and help explain how important this is to your daddy?  Maybe while you are there you can help to talk him into it.  Just a thought.

Anyways, daddy miss you lots Munchers!  There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about you.  I miss you so much.  I love you.

Always and Forever,

Your Loving Daddy

Missing You So Much

My Dearest Zayana,

Every month that passes just seems to get harder and harder.  Yesterday would have been your 8 month birthday and I just miss you so much.  I miss you more now than I did on that day back in April that changes my life forever.  At least thats how I feel today.  Honestly it’s probably the same; it’s just that now you have been gone for a little more than 4 months. While the pain may not be as “raw” or “sharp” as it was then, the pain seems to be more of a nagging, lingering pain; more of a continuous sadness.

I wish you were still here.  Yesterday I watched most of the videos we have of you.  I was so happy to see you and hear you while at the same time so sad that I was not that same person in the videos holding my baby girl and laughing and playing with you.  Yesterday I went into your room and looked at your old clothes.  I couldn’t believe that you use to wear these outfits.  They were so small.  I wondered how big you would be now and what new outfits you would be wearing.  It took out two of my favorites and held them close, hoping you would appear in them.  I held them to my face trying to catch a hint of you smell.  I cried and asked why. Why our daughter?  Why us?  Why, why, why! 

I started to feel guilty as I was looking at your Pooh sleeper you were wearing on that faithful day.  Guilty that I was still alive and you weren’t.  Guilty that I wasn’t able to do more to save you.  Guilty that I didn’t do enough with you when you were still here.  The guilt just overcame me and I couldn’t stop crying.  I tried to stop but I couldn’t.  I was asking for your forgiveness.  

It took me a while but I was eventually able to compose myself.  I believe you had a hand in that.  I could feel you small little arms hugging my heart, trying to make daddy feel better.  I love your small, little, harry arms. I love everything about you.  And I miss you so much!

I went to the Dollar Store to get some balloons for your birthday.  Mommy and daddy know just how much you love balloons.  As I picked them out I could feel people looking at me.  Did I look so bad?  Probably.  Even the cashier was looking at me probably wondering what was wrong with me yet buying birthday balloons. I must have looked like a sad wreck.   Anyways I went to see mommy at work and we released your birthday balloons into the air.  Did you get you balloons and hair bows?

I don’t mean to get so sad Munchers.  I just miss you so much.  I know today would and should be a happy day, and I’m sure someday it might be.  Just not today.  But I promise to be happy again someday. 

Happy birthday Munchers!  Daddy loves you.  Daddy misses his little girl.  Daddy wishes you were still here.  I love you.

Always and Forever,

Your loving Daddy

Happy 8 month birtday Munchers! Mommy and daddy love you and miss you lots!

Thinking of You

My sweet little girl,

It’s been a while since I’ve written you and while I have some time at work I figured I should.  Today is another one of the milesotne that we always talk about.  Today is the 4th month since your "Heaven Day" and I miss you so much.  As I say every month, Its hard to believe that you've been in Heaven for so long.   It really does not get any easier as time passes by, no matter what people like to say.  The 19th of every month will from now on always be a sad day for me. 

Don’t worry baby girl, it’s not your fault that Daddy is sad.  Daddy just misses you and wishes that you were here.

As you know we made in impromptu visit to your Grandparents house last week.  I think they were a little surprised when your Mommy and I arrived at their door.  I know Grandma and Grandpa Mendez were happy to see us. They couldn’t stop smiling.  Thank you for helping Grandma through with her knee surgery.  She was really scared and I know that she drew a lot of strength from you.  Thanks Munchers!

While I was in their living room I kept looking at the spot on the carpet that you were at in my dream.  I don’t know why, maybe I was hoping that it would come true.  Maybe I was hoping to turn around and look and see you laying there just like in the dream.  Maybe.   I told them about my dream and they were really happy that I was able to have such a precious moment with you.  I wish I could have another.

I wish you were still here.  I just miss you so much.  Your Mommy misses you too.  She has her up days and her down days just like Daddy.  I know her down days really hit her hard and there isn’t much Daddy can do.  Days like that I wish I could go up to Heaven and bring you back so Mommy can hold you.  I wish. 

You’re always on my mind Munchers.  But that is a good thing; Daddy always wants you on his mind.  I want to always remember my little girl.  I hope that I never get to the day that I don’t think about you. 

I’m sorry but I seem to be rambling today.  There just seem to be so many thought in my head, so I will leave it at that.  I miss you lots Z.  Daddy loves you with all of his heart!!

Always and forever,

Your loving Daddy

BTW:  Have you met Ziggy yet?

Heart to Heart/Books

My dearest Munchers,

Do you remember your Tia Christina?  I know you do, she was the one that showered you with all kinds of gifts and love.  On Friday I had a very good conversation with your Tia Christina.  We talked about how each of us were doing and plenty about you.  We discussed how much we love you and how much we miss you.  It was a very refreshing conversation because she seems to be the only one that “gets it”.  She wasn’t trying to fix me or tell me how to grieve or make it all about her.  We just talked.  We talked about you, talked about our grandpa who is with you in heaven, and talked our family. 

In my conversation with your Tia I realized just how much she loves you.  I know that she loved you but it really became apparent to me just how much she does.  She was going to be one of your biggest advocates and she still is.  Her work spreading OI awareness is phenomenal.  She talked about how amazing you are.  She continues to give and help out your mommy with “From Z With Love”.  She continues to cry and pray for you and your mommy and daddy.  Your Tia is an amazing person and I know the both of you would have had an amazing relationship and it saddens me that you both will not be able to experience it here on Earth. 

Yesterday I came across the books she had sent you.  As you know she sent you a couple of audio books she recorded herself.  I opened them both up yesterday and heard the very touching messages she left for you in the beginning of the books.  They both brought me to tears.  They were both very heartfelt and so thoughtful.  She stated in both about her love for you and how she could not wait to spend more time with you.  I cried.  I cried because I felt sad that the both of you would never be able to have these precious moments she talked about.  The hanging out, the getting to know you, the loving on you as only an auntie could.  I’m sorry that you will never get to spend time with your Tia and that she will never get to spend time with you. 

Again you Tia is an amazing person and I am so proud of the person she has become.  I am so proud to be her big brother and I miss her so.  I am so glad that she was able to meet you in person and that I have pictures of the two of you together.  I am so glad she is your auntie.  Watching her with you reinforced my thoughts that she would be a fantastic mother.  If you get a chance please visit your Tia and let her know how much you love her.  I’m sure she would love that.  Take care mija, daddy misses you lots.

Always and forever,

Your Loving Daddy

Brave

My Precious Warrior Princess,

Today, Mommy went to get some moles removed. When I was all done, the receptionist jokingly asked me if I wanted an "I Was Brave" sticker. I started to laugh it off, then thought of my baby girl. "Yes," I said, my voice filled with conviction. "Yes, I do!"

You never got a sticker telling you how brave you were. If anyone deserved one, it was you, Munchers. If there was ever a face of bravery, it is yours. You are the toughest, most determined, most courageous person I have ever known. You are the very definition of brave.

Getting my moles removed was not difficult or scary, but I know that I will have times ahead that will make me question my strength. Trying to live without you defnitely falls into that definition. Everytime I feel like I just can't go on, I think of you, baby girl, and remember how brave you were. You give me the strength to keep going.

Oh, and the sticker? I know you don't need one. You wore your bravery like a badge. But, I'm still a Mommy and my little girl deserves a sticker, so my little girl got one! I placed it in your crib next to your favorite things. Thank you for showing Mommy how to be strong.

I love you and miss you with my whole heart,

Mommy

In My Dreams...

My Dearest Zayana Grace,

You continue to amaze me little one.  You amaze me at how thoughtful you are and how on July 23rd with would have been your 7 month birthday (happy 7 months by-the-way) you came and visitied me in my dreams.  You just keep on giving!  Thank you Z for this precious gift!  To be able to see you, hold you, hear you, even if it was in a dream, was the best thing ever.  I got to see your precious little face again.  It was the same little face I remember with just a couple of 7 month changes to it.  I got to see your awe inspiring smile again.  This time I could see some teeth coming in.  I got to feel you weight in my arms again.  I was able to pick you up and feel you and smell you and kiss you.  And probably the best part of my dream was hearing you laugh.  Oh how I cried when I heard your little giggle.  It was the only thing that I wish would have happened before you passed.  Since you were born I could not wait to hear you laugh.  There is nothing like a baby’s laugh, so infectious!  And as I thought, yours was perfection! 

I am still awe-struck by your visit Zayana!  While I know that you wanted to come and visit daddy, I know it would not have been possible without God.  God placed you in my dream and let us spend a little time together.  I have been asking God to bless me and let you visit me in my dreams since you went to heaven.  And when you finally where there, as real as can be in my dream I had to thank God.  As I held you in my arms I thanked God from the bottom of my heart for such a wonderful gift.  And When I awoke, I thanked God again as I lay in my sleeping bag weeping with happiness.  Thank you God!  Thank you for bringing my daughter to me and allowing us to spend some daddy-daughter time!  Thank you oh mighty Lord!

I can remember it as clear as day, can you Z?  I was at your grandma and grandpa Mendez’ house in the living room I had been at so many times before.  I remember turning to look towards the door and there I saw a baby crawling on the floor.  Black hair, Winnie the Pooh sleeper, bowed lower legs just like yours.  The babies arms where extending out, reaching in front.  Could this be you?  Could this be my Munchers!!??  Munchers was not crawling!?  As the baby then tried to turn over I saw your face! It is, it is Munchers.  I ran to you as I saw you turn yourself over.  I ran because you looked like you were having trouble and I wanted to help you!  Silly daddy, Munchers does not need help with such things!!

As you turned you saw me and smiled, and as you landed on your back you began to laugh!  You even reached for me!!  I lay down next to you and began to cry and play with you and tickle you.  As I tickled you, you laughed like only Munchers could laugh and reached for my hand.  We lay there for what could have been eternity but were only a minute or so.  I then picked you up and felt the weight I have been missing for so long.  You reached for my face as I gave you a kiss and smelled you in.  I looked into your deep brown eyes while you looked into mine and I was lost.  My little girl was here in my arms!!  I told you I loved you and held you close.  I stood up and looked toward the heavens and thank God for this gift.  I cried. I woke up.

I imagine this is what you would have been like today if you were still with us.  I would be worried silly as my little Munchers was starting to crawl and turn on her own.  I would do whatever I could to make you laugh!  I would hold you close and never let you go.  I have never had a dream seem more real than this one.  In fact now that I think about it, it wasn’t a dream, it was real and God did let me spend more time with my precious daughter!

But enough about my gift, let’s talk about your 7 month birthday!   Did you get the balloons mommy and I sent you the day before?  We sent you two balloons with two new sets of bows for you collection.  We sang you happy birthday and thought long and hard of our little warrior princess.  We hope you had a great 7 month birthday Munchers, I know I did!!  I love you Zayana Grace!  And I miss you even more!! Hopefully we will see you on your 8 month birthday, daddy and mommy hope so!!

Always and forever,

Your loving Daddy