Brave

My Precious Warrior Princess,

Today, Mommy went to get some moles removed. When I was all done, the receptionist jokingly asked me if I wanted an "I Was Brave" sticker. I started to laugh it off, then thought of my baby girl. "Yes," I said, my voice filled with conviction. "Yes, I do!"

You never got a sticker telling you how brave you were. If anyone deserved one, it was you, Munchers. If there was ever a face of bravery, it is yours. You are the toughest, most determined, most courageous person I have ever known. You are the very definition of brave.

Getting my moles removed was not difficult or scary, but I know that I will have times ahead that will make me question my strength. Trying to live without you defnitely falls into that definition. Everytime I feel like I just can't go on, I think of you, baby girl, and remember how brave you were. You give me the strength to keep going.

Oh, and the sticker? I know you don't need one. You wore your bravery like a badge. But, I'm still a Mommy and my little girl deserves a sticker, so my little girl got one! I placed it in your crib next to your favorite things. Thank you for showing Mommy how to be strong.

I love you and miss you with my whole heart,

Mommy

In My Dreams...

My Dearest Zayana Grace,

You continue to amaze me little one.  You amaze me at how thoughtful you are and how on July 23rd with would have been your 7 month birthday (happy 7 months by-the-way) you came and visitied me in my dreams.  You just keep on giving!  Thank you Z for this precious gift!  To be able to see you, hold you, hear you, even if it was in a dream, was the best thing ever.  I got to see your precious little face again.  It was the same little face I remember with just a couple of 7 month changes to it.  I got to see your awe inspiring smile again.  This time I could see some teeth coming in.  I got to feel you weight in my arms again.  I was able to pick you up and feel you and smell you and kiss you.  And probably the best part of my dream was hearing you laugh.  Oh how I cried when I heard your little giggle.  It was the only thing that I wish would have happened before you passed.  Since you were born I could not wait to hear you laugh.  There is nothing like a baby’s laugh, so infectious!  And as I thought, yours was perfection! 

I am still awe-struck by your visit Zayana!  While I know that you wanted to come and visit daddy, I know it would not have been possible without God.  God placed you in my dream and let us spend a little time together.  I have been asking God to bless me and let you visit me in my dreams since you went to heaven.  And when you finally where there, as real as can be in my dream I had to thank God.  As I held you in my arms I thanked God from the bottom of my heart for such a wonderful gift.  And When I awoke, I thanked God again as I lay in my sleeping bag weeping with happiness.  Thank you God!  Thank you for bringing my daughter to me and allowing us to spend some daddy-daughter time!  Thank you oh mighty Lord!

I can remember it as clear as day, can you Z?  I was at your grandma and grandpa Mendez’ house in the living room I had been at so many times before.  I remember turning to look towards the door and there I saw a baby crawling on the floor.  Black hair, Winnie the Pooh sleeper, bowed lower legs just like yours.  The babies arms where extending out, reaching in front.  Could this be you?  Could this be my Munchers!!??  Munchers was not crawling!?  As the baby then tried to turn over I saw your face! It is, it is Munchers.  I ran to you as I saw you turn yourself over.  I ran because you looked like you were having trouble and I wanted to help you!  Silly daddy, Munchers does not need help with such things!!

As you turned you saw me and smiled, and as you landed on your back you began to laugh!  You even reached for me!!  I lay down next to you and began to cry and play with you and tickle you.  As I tickled you, you laughed like only Munchers could laugh and reached for my hand.  We lay there for what could have been eternity but were only a minute or so.  I then picked you up and felt the weight I have been missing for so long.  You reached for my face as I gave you a kiss and smelled you in.  I looked into your deep brown eyes while you looked into mine and I was lost.  My little girl was here in my arms!!  I told you I loved you and held you close.  I stood up and looked toward the heavens and thank God for this gift.  I cried. I woke up.

I imagine this is what you would have been like today if you were still with us.  I would be worried silly as my little Munchers was starting to crawl and turn on her own.  I would do whatever I could to make you laugh!  I would hold you close and never let you go.  I have never had a dream seem more real than this one.  In fact now that I think about it, it wasn’t a dream, it was real and God did let me spend more time with my precious daughter!

But enough about my gift, let’s talk about your 7 month birthday!   Did you get the balloons mommy and I sent you the day before?  We sent you two balloons with two new sets of bows for you collection.  We sang you happy birthday and thought long and hard of our little warrior princess.  We hope you had a great 7 month birthday Munchers, I know I did!!  I love you Zayana Grace!  And I miss you even more!! Hopefully we will see you on your 8 month birthday, daddy and mommy hope so!!

Always and forever,

Your loving Daddy

Strength

My dearest little Munchers,

I’m sorry you had to see me so sad yesterday.  I couldn’t help myself.  Yesterday was just one of those strong reminders that you are no longer here with us.  I know that your spirit will always be with us, watching over your mommy and me, trying to comfort us when we need it.  I know your there because I can feel you.  I swear I can feel you whispering in my ear.  I can feel you sitting on my shoulder, your little wings flapping like a hummingbird, trying to comfort your daddy.  I just wish you were really here sitting on my shoulder.

I’m better today Munch, just a little drained.  Your mommy was a big help yesterday.  She always helps me during the tough days.  Last night after praying for you over your crib all the sadness caught up with me and as I crawled into bed it all came out and I cried.  So many thoughts were going through my head; why were you gone? What could I have done differently?  Do you miss us? Why?  And them your mommy wrapped me in her arms and held me tight.  She whispered you name in my ear and held me close and let me cry.  I love your mommy so much!  She has such strength it reminds me of you.  She is such an amazing woman but I don’t have to tell you.  I’m sure you already know this from all of the sleepless nights she would be up with you, taking care of you, and loving on you.  Your mommy is truly amazing!

I also wanted to thank you for last week Munch.  You know how stressed our daddy was with all of the testing I had to go through.  Daddy prayed to you and to God to provide me with strength to get through it all.  And of course, you both came through.  Many times during the written exam I was losing concentrations and you were there to tell me to focus and calm me down.  Again I felt your presence on my shoulder telling me that I knew the answers.  Many time during the mile run daddy wanted to stop and quit.  But you wouldn’t let daddy quit you were behind me, pushing me, telling me that I could do it.  And wouldn’t you know it; daddy ran a mile in just over 7 minutes, faster than I thought I ever could. Many time during the obstacle course as daddy climbed the stairs, walked the balance beam, jumped the fence, you were there to tell me to keep pushing, that daddy was no quitter!!  After it was all done and I sat under the sun, I could hear you whisper, “Daddy, I’m so proud of you for pushing through!  It must have been really hard!”  I got in my car and wept.  Thank you my warrior princess for your strength! 

I will continue to ask you and God to provide me with strength and I know that you both will always help me out.  I know that some days will be so overwhelming that all of our strengths combined will not be able to hold back the sadness.  I’ve accepted this and will let the sadness overcome me.  But I know that I will not be sad for long.  Like any cloudy day (especially here in Portland!) it will burn off and the sun will shine through.  And when the sun breaks through and shines on me, it will warm me and comfort me.  On these sad days your strength and love will break though my sadness and warm and comfort my soul.  And I will not be sad, because of you!  Thank you Munchers for being so strong, and being my baby girl.

Daddy loves you and misses you so much!!

Always and forever,

Your Loving Daddy

Three Months Ago.....

My sweet little Munchers,

I tried not to think about it too much today.  I tried not to think about what happened today three months ago.  And then I thought, “I need to remember today.  I need to remember my sweet little Zayana Grace.”  While it’s heartbreaking to think about this day three months ago, I have to remember all the good that came before and in the early morning of April 19. 

Forever 16 weeks will seem like a lifetime to me and I will never forget them.  I thank God everyday for allowing me to be your daddy for those 16 weeks.  I know that I am still your daddy today, but it’s just that being your daddy while you were here on Earth was easier.   

Forever I will remember all of your smiles and your grunts and your cries and especially your looks you gave me.  Those were oh so special.  I never felt so loved before and God how I miss them.  I wish that I could still look into your eyes and see that look.  I sometimes look at your pictures and swear that from the picture you’re looking into my soul and giving me that look.  It makes me cry as I am crying right now as I write this.  I know that was you that whispered into your buddy Sean’s ear at OI Camp and asked him to give me that look.  I was speechless and again I started to cry. 

Forever I will remember watching you and your mommy play together and how you would look at her with such loving eyes.  It brought so much joy to my heart to see that, it was just amazing to see both of you light up.  You were meant to be Chris’ daughter and Chris was meant to be your mommy.  Watching you two during water therapy time, during exercise time, and during feedings and diaper changes was just priceless and again I thank God for giving me that.  I thank him for giving me the family that I always wanted. 

Forever I will remember your strong resilient spirit and how you accomplished so much in just 16 weeks.  You wouldn’t let doctors tell you there was no hope.  You wouldn’t let specialists tell you what you needed.  You wouldn’t let nurses forget who was in charge.  And most importantly, you wouldn’t let us lose faith.  You should us just how tough you were and that nothing was going to prevent you from being happy.  Not broken bones, not a swollen head, not the lack of sleep or eating, not your small stature.  You may have been small but you lived life like you were 12 feet tall.  You wouldn’t allow us to lose faith.  After meetings with doctors with nothing but grave news and diagnosis, you would look at us as if to say, “They don’t know what they are talking about mommy and daddy, I’m going to be fine and beat this, just watch!”  You would give hope to all that came to see you after they had been told that you may not live long and that they should come and say their goodbyes.  Instead they came and said “WOW!” It was amazing to see people come to see you in bleak moods and leave just inspired by you.  YOU changes so many live mija, I’m so proud of you!!

Forever I will remember the lessons you have taught me in 16 weeks.  While I was the one that was supposed to teach you things, you turned it all around and taught me the world.  It’s amazing to think of all the wisdom you had as just little baby.  Your eyes were full of it.  You were my teacher.  You were my inspiration.  You taught me that no matter how tough things get, that things will get better and that we shouldn’t let them get us down.  You taught me not to be a quitter.  You taught me how to have faith and love God. 

Forever I will also think of the things we will miss out on.  I will always wonder just how you would have grown up and what you would be like.  I will always wonder what your birthday parties would have been like.   I will always wonder how you voice would have sounded like.  I will always wonder how tough you would have had it and how you would have been tough back.  I will always wonder what kind of conversations we would have had.  I will always wonder about just how stubborn you would have been.  If you were anything like your mommy and daddy, I could only imagine.  I can and I am sure I will always wonder. 

Forever, forever, forever.  This is what I have to look forward to.  I look forward to forever remembering my sweet little girl; I look forward to forever being your daddy: and I look forward to being with you forever in Heaven.  Oh what a joyous occasion that will be when I can hold you in my arms again!  But for now I will forever hold on to your memory and I will forever try to live my life how you would have lived yours. 

I love you Munchers and daddy misses you so much!!

Always,

 you’re loving daddy,

Camp Attitude

"Hey baby girl, did you have fun at camp?"

"Yea daddy, I love Camp Attitude!!"

On Wednesday my wife and I found what we believe is the happiest place on earth.  No it was not Disneyland, it was Camp Attitude.  Camp Attitude is a small camp in Foster, OR that caters to providing the camping experience to children with disabilities.  This last week Camp Attitude hosted children with OI and their families.  Unfortunately we were unable to spend the entire week there but we did get to spend one fantastic day with these unbelievable children and their amazing families. 

When we first heard about camp from our friend we told ourselves that we would be taking Z there.  We knew that this would be a place that she would grow to love.  That this would be a place where she would be just like everyone else.  A place that she would want to go to every year time and time again.  A place where she would inspire.  Unfortunately we were not able to take her in person.  But I can tell you that we did feel her presence there.  It was river day at camp and at first the day was cloudy, but wouldn't you know it, our little girl brought out the sun for all of her new friends. 

If you looking for a worth cause to donate to look at Camp Attitude.  The link here can take you to there website for more info.  I know my wife and I are going to help and volunteer our time next year in helping the camp prep for the season and we will be there for the entire week of OI camp.  Here are just some of the pictures I took of the wonderful people we met.  Looking forward to Camp Attitude 2012!!!



Camp Attitude, a wonderful place!



How cute is Zoe!

Sean and Zoe's daddy Curtis.

Our lil' buddy Sean!

Chris and Khaitlyn

Chris, Khatlyn, and her camp buddy Sophia.

Sebastian and Evelia.

Scary Ben!

lil' Bryten.

Troy and Carter,
does this look like trouble to anyone else?

Brennan and Betsy

Brittnye and Shanessa

The Alpha Males of camp!

Troy and Chris

Taking the steps she'll never take...

Last weekend, we spent a bittersweet day honoring Zayana's memory by walking in Noah's Quest in Sandy,OR. Noah's Quest is an annual event that brings families who have lost little ones together to remember, to cry, to share, to "take the steps they'll never take." We met some amazing families who shared in our grief, listened to our stories and who, of course, remarked on what a perfectly adorable little girl Zayana Grace is. It was a comfort to know that we are not alone, but the many children and babies who accompanied their families were a painful reminder of what we do not have. However, we must focus not on what we are missing, but on what we had the joy of experiencing- 16 weeks with the most beautiful, loving, amazing baby girl.

We invited family to walk with us. Some were unable to attend (understandable). Some chose not to attend (hurtful). We ended up with a small but mighty group draped in orange and sporting Zayana's gorgeous face. Next year we plan on extending the invitation to anyone who would like to honor Z's memory. We hope to have a huge turn out.

Munchers, we felt you cheering us on. Hope you enjoyed your balloons and all of the orange! Thanks for the sunshine. We miss you so very much and love you with all of our hearts. Thank you for blessing us so greatly.

Uncle Dan and Cousin Katie

All the ladies. Special shout out to Tia Christina (far left) who drove from Spokane to honor Z and
who has become a huge crusader for OI Awareness!



Remembering their precious grandbaby.



Pictures don't do it justice, but doves were released in honor of our babies. Majestic.

Baby Z, always shining her light down on us!

So true....

Our friend at "Colin's Corner" recently had a great post.  He listed a top 10 of the worst things that can be said (especially to him) to a grieving parent.  It helps to explain some of the feelings I have been having lately with people and their need to help or say something significant to make me feel better.  People need to understand that there is nothing that they can do that will or can make us feel better.  WE ARE GRIEVING!  Please let us grieve in our own way. Like he said, "...sometimes silence is golden."  But this does not mean that you shouldn't acknowledge the fact that we lost our child.  I think that hurts even more, when people pretend like nothing happened.  If I can give anyone a word of advice on how to deal with a grieving parent is just let them be.  Put yourself in there shoes and think on how you would want to be treated in this situation.  I hope and pray that you never have to be.

I'm sorry if this post feels a little negative or confrontational but its just some feeling I have been having lately and I had to let them out.  Thank you all for understanding.  All I can say is GRIEF SUCKS!

And to you my little Munchers, daddy will never let you go and I will be thinking of you everyday, I promise.  I know you understand if daddy is sad, I know your probably sad too!  But we will be sad together as we will be happy together!   And one day we WILL be together again, and I will be able to tell you in person that I love you!!  I can't wait till that day!  Daddy loves you and misses you sooo much Zayana Grace! 

Always and Forever,

Your loving Daddy