Three Months Ago.....

My sweet little Munchers,

I tried not to think about it too much today.  I tried not to think about what happened today three months ago.  And then I thought, “I need to remember today.  I need to remember my sweet little Zayana Grace.”  While it’s heartbreaking to think about this day three months ago, I have to remember all the good that came before and in the early morning of April 19. 

Forever 16 weeks will seem like a lifetime to me and I will never forget them.  I thank God everyday for allowing me to be your daddy for those 16 weeks.  I know that I am still your daddy today, but it’s just that being your daddy while you were here on Earth was easier.   

Forever I will remember all of your smiles and your grunts and your cries and especially your looks you gave me.  Those were oh so special.  I never felt so loved before and God how I miss them.  I wish that I could still look into your eyes and see that look.  I sometimes look at your pictures and swear that from the picture you’re looking into my soul and giving me that look.  It makes me cry as I am crying right now as I write this.  I know that was you that whispered into your buddy Sean’s ear at OI Camp and asked him to give me that look.  I was speechless and again I started to cry. 

Forever I will remember watching you and your mommy play together and how you would look at her with such loving eyes.  It brought so much joy to my heart to see that, it was just amazing to see both of you light up.  You were meant to be Chris’ daughter and Chris was meant to be your mommy.  Watching you two during water therapy time, during exercise time, and during feedings and diaper changes was just priceless and again I thank God for giving me that.  I thank him for giving me the family that I always wanted. 

Forever I will remember your strong resilient spirit and how you accomplished so much in just 16 weeks.  You wouldn’t let doctors tell you there was no hope.  You wouldn’t let specialists tell you what you needed.  You wouldn’t let nurses forget who was in charge.  And most importantly, you wouldn’t let us lose faith.  You should us just how tough you were and that nothing was going to prevent you from being happy.  Not broken bones, not a swollen head, not the lack of sleep or eating, not your small stature.  You may have been small but you lived life like you were 12 feet tall.  You wouldn’t allow us to lose faith.  After meetings with doctors with nothing but grave news and diagnosis, you would look at us as if to say, “They don’t know what they are talking about mommy and daddy, I’m going to be fine and beat this, just watch!”  You would give hope to all that came to see you after they had been told that you may not live long and that they should come and say their goodbyes.  Instead they came and said “WOW!” It was amazing to see people come to see you in bleak moods and leave just inspired by you.  YOU changes so many live mija, I’m so proud of you!!

Forever I will remember the lessons you have taught me in 16 weeks.  While I was the one that was supposed to teach you things, you turned it all around and taught me the world.  It’s amazing to think of all the wisdom you had as just little baby.  Your eyes were full of it.  You were my teacher.  You were my inspiration.  You taught me that no matter how tough things get, that things will get better and that we shouldn’t let them get us down.  You taught me not to be a quitter.  You taught me how to have faith and love God. 

Forever I will also think of the things we will miss out on.  I will always wonder just how you would have grown up and what you would be like.  I will always wonder what your birthday parties would have been like.   I will always wonder how you voice would have sounded like.  I will always wonder how tough you would have had it and how you would have been tough back.  I will always wonder what kind of conversations we would have had.  I will always wonder about just how stubborn you would have been.  If you were anything like your mommy and daddy, I could only imagine.  I can and I am sure I will always wonder. 

Forever, forever, forever.  This is what I have to look forward to.  I look forward to forever remembering my sweet little girl; I look forward to forever being your daddy: and I look forward to being with you forever in Heaven.  Oh what a joyous occasion that will be when I can hold you in my arms again!  But for now I will forever hold on to your memory and I will forever try to live my life how you would have lived yours. 

I love you Munchers and daddy misses you so much!!

Always,

 you’re loving daddy,