In My Dreams...

My Dearest Zayana Grace,

You continue to amaze me little one.  You amaze me at how thoughtful you are and how on July 23rd with would have been your 7 month birthday (happy 7 months by-the-way) you came and visitied me in my dreams.  You just keep on giving!  Thank you Z for this precious gift!  To be able to see you, hold you, hear you, even if it was in a dream, was the best thing ever.  I got to see your precious little face again.  It was the same little face I remember with just a couple of 7 month changes to it.  I got to see your awe inspiring smile again.  This time I could see some teeth coming in.  I got to feel you weight in my arms again.  I was able to pick you up and feel you and smell you and kiss you.  And probably the best part of my dream was hearing you laugh.  Oh how I cried when I heard your little giggle.  It was the only thing that I wish would have happened before you passed.  Since you were born I could not wait to hear you laugh.  There is nothing like a baby’s laugh, so infectious!  And as I thought, yours was perfection! 

I am still awe-struck by your visit Zayana!  While I know that you wanted to come and visit daddy, I know it would not have been possible without God.  God placed you in my dream and let us spend a little time together.  I have been asking God to bless me and let you visit me in my dreams since you went to heaven.  And when you finally where there, as real as can be in my dream I had to thank God.  As I held you in my arms I thanked God from the bottom of my heart for such a wonderful gift.  And When I awoke, I thanked God again as I lay in my sleeping bag weeping with happiness.  Thank you God!  Thank you for bringing my daughter to me and allowing us to spend some daddy-daughter time!  Thank you oh mighty Lord!

I can remember it as clear as day, can you Z?  I was at your grandma and grandpa Mendez’ house in the living room I had been at so many times before.  I remember turning to look towards the door and there I saw a baby crawling on the floor.  Black hair, Winnie the Pooh sleeper, bowed lower legs just like yours.  The babies arms where extending out, reaching in front.  Could this be you?  Could this be my Munchers!!??  Munchers was not crawling!?  As the baby then tried to turn over I saw your face! It is, it is Munchers.  I ran to you as I saw you turn yourself over.  I ran because you looked like you were having trouble and I wanted to help you!  Silly daddy, Munchers does not need help with such things!!

As you turned you saw me and smiled, and as you landed on your back you began to laugh!  You even reached for me!!  I lay down next to you and began to cry and play with you and tickle you.  As I tickled you, you laughed like only Munchers could laugh and reached for my hand.  We lay there for what could have been eternity but were only a minute or so.  I then picked you up and felt the weight I have been missing for so long.  You reached for my face as I gave you a kiss and smelled you in.  I looked into your deep brown eyes while you looked into mine and I was lost.  My little girl was here in my arms!!  I told you I loved you and held you close.  I stood up and looked toward the heavens and thank God for this gift.  I cried. I woke up.

I imagine this is what you would have been like today if you were still with us.  I would be worried silly as my little Munchers was starting to crawl and turn on her own.  I would do whatever I could to make you laugh!  I would hold you close and never let you go.  I have never had a dream seem more real than this one.  In fact now that I think about it, it wasn’t a dream, it was real and God did let me spend more time with my precious daughter!

But enough about my gift, let’s talk about your 7 month birthday!   Did you get the balloons mommy and I sent you the day before?  We sent you two balloons with two new sets of bows for you collection.  We sang you happy birthday and thought long and hard of our little warrior princess.  We hope you had a great 7 month birthday Munchers, I know I did!!  I love you Zayana Grace!  And I miss you even more!! Hopefully we will see you on your 8 month birthday, daddy and mommy hope so!!

Always and forever,

Your loving Daddy