A Tough Day...

Written June 19, 2011

Lovin on my Munchers.



Today has to be one of the hardest days I have had to ever face.  The memories are still fresh as if it were yesterday but it wasn’t, it was two month ago today that you went to spend eternity with God and Jesus.  While I am happy that you are in heaven, I am also sad that I don’t get to spend Father’s day with you, my precious daughter.  Last year, my first Father’s Day, you were in your mom’s belly and I was so happy and excited that I was going to be your dad!  Even though we did not know your sex I knew you were going to be a girl!!  I was certain of it.  Every time I thought about you, I thought “she”.  I just knew.  We even had your name picked out.  It was a very exciting time for me! 



Me & Z on the day of her birth.

But now you’re gone and sometimes it’s very hard to get through the day.  Your memory lingers in my mind and always brings me a smile when I think of all of the happy time we had in such a short time.  With the happiness also comes the sadness.  The sadness of not having you here with your mom and I, not being able to hear your sweet little cry, not being able to feel your sweet little touch with your beautiful long fingers, not being able to look into your deep, dark brown eyes and seeing just how much you loved us, not being able to smell your scent that was so distinct that words cannot express what you smelled like.  Your mom likes to say you sometimes smelled like sweaty Band-Aids with a hint of apricot.  This is true but it seemed like much more.  It was the sweetest smell I could ever imagine.  And now it’s gone.  You’re gone.  And a big part of me is gone, and I am sad.



Holding my baby girl.



I really do try to not be sad little one, but it’s just that I feel so empty at times.  Your mom and I have talked about it and we both agree, it’s like our purpose in life has gone away.  What we mean by that is that our lives were so wrapped into yours that we felt complete  We didn’t mind getting up in the early morning hours to feed your, or change you, or hold you.  We didn’t mind the fact that we didn’t go out anymore and we were always home with our precious little girl.  Our lives WERE to take care of you!  That’s what we did and that’s all we wanted to do!  And when that was taken away from us, we just felt lost, alone, and confused. 

And on a day like today, Fathers Day, I feel it even more.  The tears were very heavy this past week as I thought about the upcoming day and its two significances.  I apologize for being so sad this week, it’s hard not to be when my heart breaks every time I think of you or look at a picture of you.  It’s hard to believe that the same pictures I look at to bring me great happiness will bring me so much sadness. Sadness that I will not be able to take more pictures of you.  Sadness that I will not get to see you grow up.  Sadness that you are gone. 

Our sadness runs very deep and I’m afraid it always will.  For our loss is great.  The loss of a child is a pain I wish on no one.  I truly wish you mom and I did not have to face it, especially you mother. But we have to and we are trying to push through.  It’s just going to take time.  So I hope you can be patient with us Munchers, mommy and daddy are going to be sad for a long time because we miss you so much.  We know your missing us too.  And we know that God is comforting you in person.  This does give us piece of mind.  But we still miss you so much. 

I miss you Munchers, and on this Fathers Day I miss you more than ever.  My arms feel so empty today and I try to remember our father-daughter dance we had on the night of your passing.  No tubes, no IV’s, just you and I.  I finally was able to hold you close to my chest without having to worry so much about you fragile little chest.  I still was careful, but I wanted to hold you as close as I could.  You in your pretty pink dress and me in something not so elegant, we just danced around the room for what seemed like forever.  That was my favorite place in the world.  And I am so glad to have that memory.  I promise you Munchers to always save you a dance on Father’s Day.  You and I, my sweet little angel, will dance again.  I love you.

Always and forever,

Your loving daddy.

Here is one of my favorite videos of me and Z.