Birth Day

Oh, my little Honey Bear. Six months ago, I looked into the deep, soulful brown eyes that would change me forever. That moment will always be seared into my heart.

For months, I had prayed and worried and prayed and worried about your entrance into this world. We didn't know how long we would have with our precious baby girl.

As they manipulated my body in ways I didn't know were possible, I had one prayer- please let her cry. I needed to know your little lungs would be strong enough to at least let me hold you alive. That I could at least say hello to my little girl before I had to say good-bye.

Then, I heard it. The most precious sound to ever fall upon my ears. Your sweet, labored little yelp. I gave a silent Thank You before my prayers became more detailed. There was so much unknown. It was an agonizing moment or two before I got to see your beautiful,swollen little face,all scrunched up and confused. And that hair! Oh the hair! It was the talk of the room. Then, you were wisked away to the NICU. It tore me apart to see you go, but I knew your loving daddy would be with you.

The longest three hours of my life followed as waited alone in recovery,my every thought consumed by concern of how you were doing. I didn't care that I couldn't feel my legs, or that my insides had just been torn apart, or that a stranger was torturing me every 15 minutes by pressing on my belly.  I only wanted to see my precious Zayana Grace. To hold you, to talk to you, to kiss your fuzzy little head,to let you know that Mommy is here and that everything would be okay.

After an eternity, the moment finally arrived. The nurse wheeled me in on my gurney to see you. To REALLY see you for the first time, not just a passing glance. My heart and mind were wrought with worry. I had heard that your head was swollen and that you were having difficulty breathing. Your little leg had been stuck up by your face and they had trouble putting it into its rightful place.

At first, I was taken aback by all of the wires and tubing. Your glorious locks were covered by a mesh stocking and your beautiful mouth was taken over by a large breathing mask. All I could see were those amazing brown eyes. When I gazed into your eyes, time stood still. Here, in the fight of your life, you were somehow able to speak to me through the windows of your soul, and oh they spoke volumes! At that moment, I knew that you were going to be okay. You told me so.

As the days of uncertainty passed, there was one constant- those big brown eyes of reassurance. All of the odds were stacked against you, all of the doctors skeptical, but those big brown eyes told us otherwise. Thank you for that gift, mija. A gift you not only shared with  your mommy and daddy, but with any one who needed it. Your daddy and I watched in amazement as friends and family were ushered in one by one, with heavy hearts, expecting to say good-bye. You worked your magic, transforming sadness into joy and hope with one transcendent glance. We could not have been more proud to be your parents. Our little Warrior Princess, fighting against all odds, yet more concerned with spreading love and hope to those around her.

And that's how you continued to live your life, precious little one. Always trying to brighten the day of others, especially your mommy and daddy. And you did, mija. You were the sunshine of our home. Your too-short 16 weeks of life brought many challenges, but also brought more joy, laughter and hope then we have ever known. Even in the midst of the trials, I had never been happier. How could I not be filled with joy looking at this face:



Oh, my little Munchers. I miss you every day. So much. The house is too quiet and my arms are too empty. There is a Zayana-shaped hole in my heart. Today, I miss you the most. From the moment we took you home at 9 days old, I was sure you were going to continue to beat the odds. I had great plans for your 6-month birthday. What an accomplishment! Half-way to the Big 1-Year Blowout celebration! I often dreamt about what you would be doing by 6 months-well on your way to conquering the world, for sure! You would be surpassing your own special Zayana milestones, and each one would be reason for great rejoicing. My heart aches that you don't have the opportunity to show us all you could accomplish.

But, I'll try not to dwell on what could have been,though  it is so very difficult. That would only take away from what was. And, what was is truly astounding. What you did in 16 weeks, most people will never attain in a full lifetime. I can only pray that my life has a fraction of the purpose, love and hope that your precious life did. Oh, Snuggle Puppy of mine, everything about you is especially fine. I love who you are, I love what you do, Oh, Snuggle Puppy, I LOVE YOU! Your life will give me courage to keep going and make the most out of mine. And, anytime I am in doubt, all I'll have to do is look into those eyes...

Happy 6 Month Birthday, Zayana Grace!