DeJuan Gabriel Mendez

On April 24 at 9:02am our son and second child was born. DeJuan Gabriel Mendez has come into our lives at a both very rough and special time in our lives. He is very healthy boy weighing in at 8 lbs 11 oz. He is 19 3/4 in long and has a head that is 14 in wide. He has quite an appetite and loves to sleep all day and stay up all night. We are so very thankful to have him here. But we miss our daughter very much. It is good to have a baby in the house again. And now I would love intoroduce to everyone, our son, DeJuan Gabriel Mendez.

An update on DeJuan Gabriel

On a day such as today I am trying to remain positive. Its hard and I miss my baby girl so much. But I have to remember our son DeJuan. As most of you know our second child is due any day now. DJ, as we like to refer to him, is technically due on Saturday, April 21.

We owe you an update on our son. Again DJ is due on Saturday. Everything appears to be "normal" with him, no signs of any issues or problems. We are very thankful for that, but it also shines a light about how different and miraculous our pregnancy with Z was. We have been getting things ready for him. Buying the neccessary items that our son needs, getting his little area in our bedroom ready, getting ready to have a little baby on our home again.

We really cant wait till he gets here. We are just so excited. We were hoping that he was going to come on Easter weekend. Of course that did not happen. We were expecting this last weekend for his arrival. Again a no show. Now we are prepping for Saturday. If he does not come by then, then he will be here by Tuesday for sure. Chris has a scheduled c-section for 8:30am that morning.

So as we wait for his arrival and are deeply excited for it, we also cant help but be sad because his big sister will not be here physically. We do know that she will be here in spirit, as she has thoughout this this whole pregnancy watching over her little brother. Thanks for watching over little brother Zayana Grace. We know you will be an amazing big sister. And as for you DeJuan Gabriel, we cant wait to finally meet you. Daddy cant wait to hold you and give you kisses and tell you all about your big sister. I love you Z and DJ! I love my children!!

Missing you baby girl

My dearest Munchers,

The marker I have been dreading has finally come. We have come to the one year reminder that you are not here with your mommy and I. I really did not know what to expect. I knew I was going to be sad. I knew I was going to cry. I knew I was going to hold your mommy extra close tonight. I knew I was going to be missing you.

Its hard to believe that a year ago today I had to say goodbye to you. A year ago I held you close and danced the one and only dance I would ever have with you. And I kissed your little forehead for the last time. I miss kissing your little forehead.

I was looking foreward to conquring the world with you. When you died a year ago, that dream shattered along with my heart. Its been hard to continue forward, but daddy has tried his hardest to be like you. To push forward in the face adversity, just like my little Munchers.

Daddy miss you so much. Daddy wish you were still here. Daddy will always love you. Daddy hurts.

I love you Zayana Grace Mendez. I miss you!

Always and forever,

Your loving daddy

Missing Munchers...

A year ago today, we were coming to grips with the fact that our worst fear was becoming a reality- our little miracle baby would soon be ushered into the arms of Jesus. We spent the day surrounded by friends and family who came to say their good-byes and were once again in awe of the impact our amazing daughter had on all who knew her. Ernesto and I finally got to hold her close to our chests and... Ernesto had a father-daughter dance with his little Munchers. I sang our special songs to our Warrior Princess one last time. A little after midnight on the 19th, our precious little girl's mighty heart took it's last beat. You forever changed us, baby girl, and not a second goes by that you are not on our minds and in our hearts. We love you and miss you, Zayana Grace Mendez.

A Very Special Birthday Wish

I want to send a very special birthday wish to little Colin Stuart.  Colin is the son of our friends the Stuart family and he would have been one year old today.  We know just how bittersweet today will be for the Stuart family and we hope that all of you will send a prayer there way.  They have been very instrumental in helping us get through our grief and personally has helped me to understand grief from a males perspective.  If it wasn't for Steven (Colin's daddy) I don't know where I would be.  Thank you for all you have done Steven, you are a great friend!  I hope and pray your day becomes what you hope for it to be.  Know that we are here for you if you need anything. 
So again, if you can please send a prayer or well wish to the Stuart family today and make sure to wish little Colin a very happy birthday.  Happy birthday Colin!  I know that you and my precious little Zayana Grace are the best of friends in Heaven!

From your friends on the west coast,
Ernesto, Christina, Zayana Grace, & DeJuan Gabriel Mendez


If you would like please check out Steven blog.  It can be found under our "Blog List" on the right.

More Zayana Videos

Good morning my little Munchers,

Its another day in a new year and I still miss you lots.  I know that this feeling will never go away and I actually hope I never will.  I know that as time passes the pain will be easier to deal with, it more of incorporating it into my normal everyday life.  Mommy is here to and I can tell she is thinking of you.  She always has this look on her face when shes thinking of her precious little Z. She also says hi.  I just wanted you to know that I am posting more of your videos for all the world to see.  I want everyone to know you and just how special you really are.  Take care mija.  Daddy loves you and miss you everyday!

Always and Forever,
Your loving Daddy

These videos and others can be found on our YouTube page "Mendez Family TV".  You can also click on link on the right under the label "Links". 

January 1, 2011

Dearest Munchers,
Today a year ago a miracle happened.  Today a year ago after 9 days of wondering if you would live to see another day we were able to take you home.  I remember it so clear. Today a year ago we had so much hope and joy.  We just knew that you were going to beat all the odds.  We knew what you were capable of.  Today a year ago was the beginning of the best 4 months of my life.  It was you, me, and your mommy together making the best of everything.  I'm sorry that we were stressed and tired and didn't know exactly what to do.  But as always you taught us what to do and we became true parents that night.  That was the first time we were on our own with you.  At time I wonder how we made it and then I think of how far you came in those 9 days.  You taught us how.  Thank you mija for all of your wonderful gifts.  Thank you for being my daughter.  I love you and miss you lots Zayana Grace! Happy New Year mija!

Always and Forever,
Your Loving Daddy

Below are slideshows for the 27th to the 31st.  You can also click on the link to the right that will take you to all of the photo albums on Picasa. 

 

The New Year

Here we are into 2012 and it still does not feel different. I am hoping that 2012 will be a better year. I already know it is. Chris and I are having a quite night at home thinking about the last year and our future in the next. Its been a somber night, quite a bit of sadness, and a lot of soul searching. We miss our precious Zayana Grace and look forward to our son DeJuan Gabriel. Holding each other, crying, feeling on momma's belly feeling DJ move. It was a good New Years Eve.

We hope everyone is having a good New Years Eve. We are thinking of everyone tonight, especially the ones who have also lost thier little ones. We hope that your 2012 is a better year than 2011. We love you all.

Mommy and daddy miss you so much baby girl. We hope that you can help mommy, daddy, and lil brother DJ have a good 2012. We love you Munchers!

December 24, 2010 Slideshow

Here is the slideshow for the 24th, Zayana's second day on this Earth.  She had lots of family come and visit her this day and while each person came in with low spirits, they left feeling full of hope.  I swear that she is smiling in some of the pictures!  Love you  Munchers!

December 23, 2010 Slideshow

The Christmas season is now offically over and things are starting to get back to "normal" for Chris and I.  We had some tough times over the holiday week, especially on Christmas Eve and New Years Eve.  As promised here are Zayana's pictures from when she was born. I will be posting more pictures and videos later.

 

Hope you enjoy this slideshow.  Click on it and it will take you to the Picasa Web Album. Mommy and daddy miss you lots Munchers!

December 24th and 25th, 2010

On December 24th I was able to compose myself and finally remember to record some video of our Z.  I remember this day specifically because she was more awake on this day than the 23rd and more responsive as you will see in the video.  On this day we also had our phone consult with the geneticist.  I will to my dying day remembers that conversation.  This is when we were told that Zayana Grace did have Osteogensis Imperfecta and that her diagnosis was dire.  We were told that the likely hood of her survival was minimal and that we probably did not have long with her, maybe a couple of days.  As you can believe it was very heartbreaking.  I remember one specific conversation with the doctors where I asked if we would be able to take her home.  Their response was "Lets take it one day at a time."  Hearing that my heart just sank.  Chris and I were just devastated.  We sat there and cried for what seemed like a couple of hours thinking that the miracle we just received was going to be taken away. 

In the midst of our heartbreak we decided to try to compose ourselves and be strong for our little girl. We wiped away the tears and walked back over to her crib.  It seemed like one of the longest walk of our lives.  And to hour surprise our little Z was awake and she seemed to know that we needed to be consoled, that we were the ones that needed to be picked up.  I remember the look she gave us when we got to her crib.  It was magical.  She looked at us as to tell us, "I'm OK mom and dad, things will be fine."  From then on we just knew that no matter what was said of our Z she would perceive and fight till the end.  From then on we had hope. 

On the 24th  Zayana had lots of visitors.  All of them coming in with glum hopes and prepared to say their goodbyes.  They left with uplifted hearts and more hope than they could imagine.  This was her gift to everyone that Christmas.  My dad was a big recipient of her gift.  I remember just how devastated he was when I told him the news that she may not live long.  I had never seen him like this before, even when his father passed away.  He just could not believe that his precious granddaughter Zayana Grace was on this Earth for a limited time.  He was one of the first people I brought in to see Z.  In the video you can see just how happy she made him.  She gave him the gift of hope.  Thank you little Zayana Grace for giving your grandpa this gift. 

Here is Zayana Grace's second day on this Earth.





On the 24th we also had Zayana baptized. 



After a long day, Christmas came and we were a bit tired.  But we were still very thankful that our little Z was still here and this is when Chris and I started our tradition of singing "Happy Birthday" to Zayana at 12:47am of every morning she was here.  We did not get it on video but here we are waiting to sing to her. 

Merry Christmas

Merry christmas Munchers, daddy and mommy miss you very much! You would have looked so pretty in your Christmas dress. Love you mija!

In Z's Memory

Since Z's passing Chris and I have talked about what we were going to do to memorialize our daughter.  We know that we wanted to give back as we recieved so much love, help, and inspiration throughout her short life.  We wanted to help educate and infom others about Z's life and what she was facing.  Since then we have become advocates for speaking out about Osteogensis Imperfecta (OI) in numerous ways.  We participated in Bloomsday not long after her passing and talked to everyone we could about OI.  We wore yelow t-shirts with her pictures to help raise awareness for Wishbone Day.  Chris established "From Z With Love" to help new parents with OI children learn more about the condition and let them know that they were not alone in thier struggles.  We have also become very active in Brief Encounters, a support group we attend for bereaved parents. 

And on her birthday we did our daughter the greatest honor we thought possible.  We decided to collect items for the St. Vincents NICU where she spend her first 9 days.  We colleced items from blankets to toys and donated them all to the NICU.  Chris called it "Zayana's Birthday Bash" and we celebrated her birthday in the place she was born.  It felt really good to give back on such a grand scale.  I think it helped us get through the day. 

Below is the KGW story they ran on us. 

A Year in Retrospect

A year ago our daughter Zayana Grace was born.  Its hard to imagine that a year has passed since that early morning on December 23rd.  Everyday I replay that day in my head and it helps to bring me comfort in this harsh reality that she is no longer here with us.  It brings me conform because for me its like hitting the reset button and starting over.  Once I go back to the day of her birth, I have another 16 weeks to live with her.  I know that it will never bring back my daughter.  I know that I am currently just filling the void that was left in my heart when she left.  But for the rest of my life I will "reset" my mind to the 23rd of December and that faithful morning where I was able to first hear her little cry, be able to see that little swollen face of hers, and to be able to hold her once more. 

A year ago I started to take pictures and videos of Zayana in order to have them forever and show her just how much she had overcome.  Needless to say they along with my memories are all I have left of her.  A friend of mine who also lost a child once said that he counted all of the picture he had and was both amazed and saddened by the number of pictures he had.  Amazed in the number he was able to get during his all to short two month life and saddened that he was not able to take more and that he should have taken more.  I too feel the same right now.  I am so happy that I have all of these pictures and videos to look at but I wish I was able to take more or that I should have taken more.  I know there are days that I did not pick up the camera because I felt like I didn't need to take a picture.  I now second guess that decision.  I should have taken more. 

For the last year I have kept a lot of these pics and vids to myself.  They have been mainly for my wife and I to look at when we needed reminders of our precious Z.  Some family and friends have seen them but not all of them.  I know that has been somewhat selfish of me but I can't help it, she was MY little girl and these pictures were OURS.  But as time passed I decided to myself that I would not hold that all in anymore and I promised to Z that I would show everyone just how beautiful she was.  As of today and for the next 16 weeks I will be living Zayana Grace's life here on the blog.  I will post as many pictures and videos as I can.  I will show everyone Zayana Grace in all her glory.  I think this will help in my healing and in the healing of others.  I am in the process of creating a channel on YouTube and posting all of her videos there and creating slide shows of her pictures for all to see.  Zayana deserves it. Everyone else deserves it.  So from today on I will post corresponding pictures and videos from the days that she was here.  I have a couple of pics and videos for the 23rd and 24th and I will soon post them.  And every day until that faithful day in April I will post.  I love you my precious Zayana Grace!  Daddy misses you so much Munchers!

Happy Birthday

Happy birthday to the prettiest, smartest little girl I know.  At 12:47am one year ago today you changed our lives for the better. We love you and miss you so much Munchers! Hapoy birthday to my dear Zayana Grace Mendez!

Happy 11 month birthday Muncher! We love you and miss you lots baby girl!

Your Mommy's Birthday

My Sweet Little Girl Zayana Grace,

Hi Munchers!  Last time I wrote you was on your 9 month birthday and to tell you of your little brother.  Today I want to talk to you about another special day for us.  That special day is October 10th. You know why it’s so special?  It’s because this is your mommy’s birthday.  Yea that right, your mommy had a birthday yesterday.  Unfortunately it wasn’t a completely happy birthday.  Your mommy was sad yesterday because she missed you so much.  I don’t mean to say that its your fault little one, because its not.  To be honest everyday without you is a sad day, which makes special days like yesterday even harder.  Let me tell you a little about what we did to celebrate your Mommy's birthday.

On Friday we went to one of our most favorite places in the world, Manzanita.  We decided to take a weekend trip to the coast and spend some time to ourselves.  Of course we brought you along with us too.  While we know your spirit is always with us we also brought along our “Munchers Vision”.  You know Munchers Vision, it’s the digital frame we have with all of your pictures.  Mommy and daddy never go away without bringing our Munchers Vision along with us. As always it helps us to see all of your beautiful picture. 

We spent the majority of the weekend just being.  With our busy lives and our opposite schedule your mommy and daddy don’t really get enough time to be together.  So on weekends like this we just like to be together and try to relax.  We walked around the small town.  We walked along the beach when it was not raining. (BTW-thanks for the sunshine on Saturday!)  And as we always do, we talked about you.  We love to talk about you Munchers!  We laughed and we cried.  Together, we missed our little girl. 

Mommy was also able to write your name on the beach.  She loves to do that.  Every time we go to the beach, she writes your name in the sand.  I think it helps her.  She just writes your name so beautifully.  Beautiful writing for a beautiful name. After she was done we just stood there and admired your name.  We said a few words, we shed some more tears, and we told you just how much we missed you.  I don’t think we can ever tell enough just how much we miss you!

On her actual birthday (Monday) daddy decided to stay home with your mommy and spend more time with her.  Daddy loves spending time with your mommy.  We didn’t do much.  No real celebration just the two of us missing you.  Simba was really snugly with your mommy.  I think he knew she needed extra snuggles that day.  Your mommy was very grateful to him for snuggling, but I think she still wished it was you she was snuggling. 

It breaks my heart to see your mommy so sad. I wish that I could do something about it but unfortunately I know I cant.  Its just part of this process of grieving you.  Special days like birthdays and holidays just aren’t the same anymore.  I'm not saying that they wont be special again, its just hard to be excited about them when we miss you so much.  I don’t know what we are going to do for the holidays this year.  And with your 1 year birthday being just a couple days before Christmas……I just don’t know.

Anyways Munchers, I don’t want to get to down so I will talk to you later about that.  Please try to wish your mommy a happy birthday. I know that she would love to get a visit from you in her dreams.  If you cant come to her dreams, then maybe you could give her a sign that you are thinking of her.  I know she would love that.   Take care Munchers!  Mommy and daddy miss you very much!  I love you!

Always and Forever,

Your loving daddy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


To the most amazing woman I have ever met,


Your daily strength amazes me.  You are the most loving, caring, compassionate, thoughtful, beautiful, person I know.  You were meant to be Zayana's mommy and she was meant to be your daughter. Nobody could have taken care or loved her the way you did.  I wish I could do more to ease your pain.  If I could, I would go up to Heaven and bring our daughter back.  Thank you for letting me be your husband.  Happy birthday my love!  I love you so much!


Always and Forever,


Your Loving Husband

9 Months

My dearest Zayana,

Daddy has been thinking of you all morning.  I have been thinking about how today is your 9 month birthday!  I am sending you a big, big 9 month birthday wish and hung.  I wish that I could give it to you in person but unfortunately I can’t. Daddy has been thinking about what you would be doing today.  Would you be trying to roll over?  Would you be trying to sit up?  Would you be having long conversation with daddy about the geo-political climate of today?  Maybe not the latter but you probably would be more vocal today.  I miss that.  I miss the things that we never got together. I will always miss the missed.  But I will not try to be too sad today.  That was a couple of days ago with your Heaven Day.  Today is a day of happiness.  Today 9 months ago you changed my life forever. 

Oh Munchers I just miss you so much.  It’s hard to look at your pictures and not shed a tear.  But that is ok.  I don’t mind crying anymore, especially if it’s for you.  I love all of you pictures.  I love your smiling ones, your yawning ones, your stone face poker looks, I love them all.  I am so glad I was able to take so many.  Yet sometimes I wish had taken more. 

My little Munchers is 9 months old today!!  Yea!!  You’re getting to be such a big girl.  Are you being good for Grandpa Abe and great Grandpa Mendez in heaven?  Are you having a big party with all your little angel friends?  Are you making lots of new friends?  Oh of course you are!  Silly daddy for asking!  I’m sure if you had your way you would be on Gods Heaven welcoming committee and welcoming everyone into heaven with open arms.  It sounds like something you would do.  You would be especially welcoming to all the new little ones (especially the little snowflake angels) that had to unfortunately leave their mommies and daddies and had gone to heaven.  You would tell them “Hi, I’m Zayana.  Don’t be scared.  I too had to leave my mommy and daddy.  Don’t worry, they will be ok, God will take care of them and HE will let you see them from time to time. I know you miss them because I miss my mommy and daddy too, but God will be here to take care of us.  Come on; let me show you around and what we can do here in Heaven.  You’re gonna love it!”  That’s my girl!

So what do you think about being a big sister?  Yea, you’re gonna be a big sister!  Right now there is a little baby in your mommy’s belly.  But you already know that, didn’t you?  Was that you playing with your little brother (I think) during the ultrasound?  It looked like the both of you were playing tickle games.  He was moving so much for us!  I know that was you with him.  Are you excited?  I know I am.  While I may not feel as excited as when I heard that you were inside your mommy, I truly am excited to have another little baby.  I know I have been sad lately but that is not how I feel about your little brother.  I’m sad because you’re not here to enjoy it with us.  I know, you will always be here.  I know that you will always be watching over your little brother, acting as his guardian angel. 

I know Ziggy sounds like a silly name but let me explain.  Ziggy is not going to be his real name.  It’s just a little name we are giving him until we know what he is going to be.  For now he is Ziggy the Zygote.  When we find out what sex he is then we will give him his proper name.  I know, I keep referring to Ziggy as him.  That’s because my gut tells me that Ziggy is going to be a boy.  My gut knew that you were going to be a girl, and I told everyone.  Your mommy and everyone else thought you were going to be a boy.  Not daddy, I knew you were going to be my little girl!  So for the time being HE will be known as Ziggy until we find out that he is for sure a boy.  Im glad you approve!

Happy 9 month birthday Zayana Grace.  You continue to behave for grandpa Abe, great grandpa Mendez and Tia Eva, ok.  Daddy and mommy miss you so much and think about you every day.  You are always on our minds.  Remember, daddy is sending a big hug, kiss, and birthday wish your way.  Be sure to look for your balloons and bows later today, ok.  Daddy misses you.  I Love you Munchers!!!

Always and Forever,

Your Loving Daddy

Ziggy

More to come.......

September 19th: Two Years/Five Months

My Dearest Munchers,

Oh how I miss you so!  Yesterday was one of those bitter sweet days.  I was trying real hard to be happy, and for most of the day I was.  Let me explain a little as to why I was both happy and sad.  Yesterday, September 19th, was the 2 year anniversary of your mommy and daddy getting married.  Usually we would be so excited to celebrate such a day.  Don’t get me wrong because we were excited, it’s just that we were sad too.  We were sad because the best thing to ever happen to the both of us was not here.  One of the best things to come from our getting married was you and we were missing you so much on our special day.  But let me get away from the sadness for a bit and let me tell you a story of a very magical day…..

It all started on a cloudy September morning with of course rain.  Daddy was so worried that it was going to be a wet day and we would have to go to plan B.  Daddy did not want to go to plan be so he checked the weather report…….

As the hours ticked by we finally came to the moment that your daddy was able to see your mommy. That was a magical moment.I remember standing on the pier, with my back turned toward the dock.Then there was this tap on my shoulder and there she was, your mommy looking so beautiful. She looked like an angel.I was just amazed.I felt so lucky.We talked, we hugged, and we kissed. We took a lot of pictures before the ceremony was to start.I felt like I did not want that day to end

As the ceremony was beginning, I remember thinking to myself, “Hey, I’m not nervous”.  It all felt so right.  Yes Munchers that was God telling me that I was meant to be with your mommy.  As the people sat in front of me and family members and friends filed down the aisle I remember thinking I could not wait to see you mommy.  And there she was, all beautiful with a big smile!  I loved it! 

The ceremony was nice and the reception was a big hit.  We had many family and friends around and had a great time.  When it was all over it was just me and your mommy all alone.  We were married on the road to discovering a wonderful life together.  And then came you!  Our biggest blessing since that day!

And while September 19th is a happy day for us, the 19th of any month will also always bring me sadness.  Because you see the 19th is when you went to go and be with God.  It wasn’t the 19th of September; it was the 19th of April.  It was a long 5 months ago on that day we had to say goodbye to you.  And every month that has gone by is just as hard as the last if not harder.  The 19th of any month is just a harsh reminder that I don’t have you here to take care of.  I don’t have my Zayana Grace to hold and love and kiss and play with.  And every 19 of whatever month it is I just miss you more and more.  Every day you are not here with me just hurts. 

I miss you so much Munchers!  While the 19th of September 2011 was special, it just did not feel the same.  I was so looking forward to having you here to help us celebrate.  I was so looking forward to always having my Zayana Grace with me to tell mommy happy anniversary or happy birthday or happy mommy day.  I was looking forward to getting up with you while mommy was still sleeping and making her breakfast, bringing it to her and seeing her face just light up as we BOTH entered the room.  I wish we could have had that.   I wish you were still here.

And so Miss Zayana Grace, you see why daddy has such a tough time.  I know you do and I know that you miss me and your mommy too.  But you luckily have God to hold you and comfort you while you wait for your mommy and daddy.  He will always be there to comfort you and hold you and take care of you.  All things that I should be doing.  But if there is anyone I can leave you with in good capable hands, I think God would be the top of that list.  He will take care of you just your daddy would.  And in turn, He will take care of your daddy just the same.  I miss you my daughter and I will always love you!

Daddy loves you!!!

Always and forever,

Your loving daddy

BTW – Have you met Ziggy yet?  To be continued……….