Missing You So Much

My Dearest Zayana,

Every month that passes just seems to get harder and harder.  Yesterday would have been your 8 month birthday and I just miss you so much.  I miss you more now than I did on that day back in April that changes my life forever.  At least thats how I feel today.  Honestly it’s probably the same; it’s just that now you have been gone for a little more than 4 months. While the pain may not be as “raw” or “sharp” as it was then, the pain seems to be more of a nagging, lingering pain; more of a continuous sadness.

I wish you were still here.  Yesterday I watched most of the videos we have of you.  I was so happy to see you and hear you while at the same time so sad that I was not that same person in the videos holding my baby girl and laughing and playing with you.  Yesterday I went into your room and looked at your old clothes.  I couldn’t believe that you use to wear these outfits.  They were so small.  I wondered how big you would be now and what new outfits you would be wearing.  It took out two of my favorites and held them close, hoping you would appear in them.  I held them to my face trying to catch a hint of you smell.  I cried and asked why. Why our daughter?  Why us?  Why, why, why! 

I started to feel guilty as I was looking at your Pooh sleeper you were wearing on that faithful day.  Guilty that I was still alive and you weren’t.  Guilty that I wasn’t able to do more to save you.  Guilty that I didn’t do enough with you when you were still here.  The guilt just overcame me and I couldn’t stop crying.  I tried to stop but I couldn’t.  I was asking for your forgiveness.  

It took me a while but I was eventually able to compose myself.  I believe you had a hand in that.  I could feel you small little arms hugging my heart, trying to make daddy feel better.  I love your small, little, harry arms. I love everything about you.  And I miss you so much!

I went to the Dollar Store to get some balloons for your birthday.  Mommy and daddy know just how much you love balloons.  As I picked them out I could feel people looking at me.  Did I look so bad?  Probably.  Even the cashier was looking at me probably wondering what was wrong with me yet buying birthday balloons. I must have looked like a sad wreck.   Anyways I went to see mommy at work and we released your birthday balloons into the air.  Did you get you balloons and hair bows?

I don’t mean to get so sad Munchers.  I just miss you so much.  I know today would and should be a happy day, and I’m sure someday it might be.  Just not today.  But I promise to be happy again someday. 

Happy birthday Munchers!  Daddy loves you.  Daddy misses his little girl.  Daddy wishes you were still here.  I love you.

Always and Forever,

Your loving Daddy