Five month birthday...

Written May 23rd

Happy 5 month birthday to our sweet baby girl Zayana Grace!!  Today will be a day of remembrance for me as I will try to focus on all the happiness you brought to our lives.  And believe me, you have given us plenty to be happy about.  Ive said this before and I will continue to say it, but in 16 weeks you have given us so many gifts and that in itself makes me smile.   This is your birthday and your the one giving us gifts!!  You are truly amazing little girl!

Your smile was also so infectious and I was so glad to be able to experience it.  I remember the first time you smiled at me.  While many people say that newborns babies don't smile, I would say you proved them wrong.  I can swear that you smiled at me those first days in the NICU. 

Your ability to give me prospective on things was just amazing.  While you did not do this in words, you did this with your looks.  When I was down or having a bad day you knew that giving me a specific look or smile or coo would turn my day around.  Witnessing this and thinking of all of the hardships you have faced and would be facing made me realize that if you could be happy how could I not be. 

Your ability to love was unbelievable.  I could see it in your eyes just how much you loved us.  I do wish that I would have heard you talk and say it but just looking into your deep brown eyes told me everything you could not.  You love for us was what keep us going, especially during the tough times. 

Your strength and courage had no ends.  I don't know too many adult including myself that could have gone through what you did and pushed through. You were the one that provided comfort to us when it should have been us comforting you.  With all of the medical issues you faced you were the one that was calm, cool, and collected. 

You were such a beautiful baby.  I know I may be a little bias as you dad but I can honestly say that you were just amazingly beautiful.  From your teeny tiny toes to all of that hair and everything in between, you were perfection.  I remember looking at you for one of the many hours I did and thinking that you were too beautiful to be my child. 

You gave us so many gifts Munchers that I could go on for hours stating them all.  At times I wish I could.  But the best gift of all that you gave us was you.  I could not imagine having a more special little girl than you and I thank God everyday for letting me be your father.  I know that our time together here on Earth was short but I believe that we will make up for lost time in heaven.  And then you will probably continue to give me gifts, even on your birthdays!

Happy 5 month birthday Munchers!!  Daddy misses and loves you very much!!

I'll hold you in

my heart until the day

I die, then I will hold you

in my arms once again.

                                   -Author Unknown

One month.....

Our little Munchers,

Its hard to believe that you have been gone for a month now.  As the days go by and the world continues to spin our lives have seem to come to a standstill and it is still hard to come to grips with everything.  Your mom and I spend lots of time thinking of you and dreaming of what could have been.  We talk lots of all of the good time we had,  "Remember when she did this...." and "Remember when she did that..." and "Remember how she would look when...".

At times I feel like all of this talking and thinking doesn't make things easier, but that goes away quickly when I look at a picture of you and your big beautiful brown eyes and that sheepish grin you use to have.   You brought so much joy into our lives and you still continue to do so as well.  And while it may not be with your physical presence, its with your spirit and your ever presence with our Lord. I know your up in heaven whispering in Gods ear, "Hey God, how bout a sunny day for my daddy because he's down today and we know that he loves sunny days"  or "Hey God, how bout a rainbow with the brightest orange possible because orange is my favorite color and mommy know I love orange" or "Hey God, how bout we play one of their favorite songs on the radio".  Its all of these little reminders that bring us so much joy because we can see your sweet little fingerprints all over them.  But they also can make us a little sad because it reminds us that your not hear with us. 

We still miss you so much and take turns crying for you.  We cry in each others arms and tell one another just how much we miss our Munchers.  We hold each other up and tell ourselves that your in a better place and that your looking down on us and that you miss us too.  We whisper to each other that you loved us with all of your heart and that you wouldn't want us to be sad for too long and that you would tell us to stop fussing over you because your OK and to be strong.  We're trying to little Z, but it sure is hard. 

I can tell you its hard to be strong when it seems like every passing day this just gets harder and harder.  As more time passes by it may eventually get a little easier but I honestly hope not too much because I never want to forget my precious little girl.  And I am sure that days like today and other events such as your birthday, holidays, and especially the day of your passing will always bring us great pain and sorrow because we miss our baby girl.  But because of your strength and how you taught us to be strong we will try to be as strong as our little warrior princess. 

An example would be like yesterday and today.  Yesterday daddy had it so hard because it was his birthday and all I ever wanted to do was spend it with my little girl.  It was hard for me to be happy when my arms felt so empty and my heart felt like it had a large hole in it.  But your mommy and God tried their best to make me feel better.  Your mom would put herself in my arms so they wouldn't feel so empty and God filled the hole in my heart.    While this did help, it was remembering just how strong you were that help me get through the day.  Daddy was going to try to be strong just like his little girl.  Today was more of the same because it has been a month today.  I pushed through most of the day but as soon as I got home, I cried.  I'm sure you saw me as I was sitting in your nursery looking at your pictures and writing you this letter.  And as I was looking outside the window, I could see your little fingers pulling back the clouds and making the sun come out.  This act little girl, again helped me to gather my strength.  Thank you.

So please continue to provide me strength and help me to be strong for your mommy. She loves you and misses you lots too and as you know she also has hard day.  Continue to whisper in Gods ear and provide us with those sweet little gifts.  We love them so much.  Daddy loves you Munchers and I will try to be strong for you. 

With all my heart and love,

Your Daddy

Bloomsday 2011

In trying to catch up with the blog, I am posting some pictures from our walk at Bloomsday in Spokane, WA.  While it is usually a run, we decided to walk it along with the many other people did too.  The walk was going to be on May 1st and at first my sisters Christina and Patty along with dad were going to walk it in honor of our daughter Zayana and help to raise awareness by wearing a yellow T-shirt talking about OI. After Zayana's passing Chris and I decided to join the walk and dedicate it to our little warrior princess. 

The week before the walk the weather had been nothing but rain and cold.  As always our baby girl came through for us again.  She whispered in God's ear and ask for some sunshine for her mommy and daddy.  The day could not be any more perfect!!  Thank you so much Munchers!!  Mommy and Daddy love you and miss you soooo much!!!

Mother's Day

Mother's Day is a day to celebrate the beauty of motherhood.  We had hoped that this year we would be able to do this wilth our beautiful daughter but in God's great plan that was not to be.  It is very tough to celebrate a day dedicated to being a parent when you have recently lost a child.  I know its hard for me and I know that it must be hard for Chris, especially on a day such as Mother's Day.  A day where images of mother and child are everywhere and all you want to do is hold your child and say "I love you". 
 Its hard to look at your wife and see the tears in her eyes when you tell her "Happy Mother's Day" because there is nothing you can do to help her feel better.  All you can do at that moment is help in wiping away the tears.  You tell her how proud you are of her and how much of an amazing job she did raising our daughter and hope that it helps.  Deep down you know it does but you also know that there is still a void there,  a void that can only be filled by the looks of a precious warrior princess with big brown eyes.  I know the void is still there because I feel it too.  But on a special day as this, I can only imagine just how deep it feels for her.

For Mothers Day this year we decided to get away and go to one of our favoite places.  We went to Manzanita to spend some time just to ourselves.  With eveything that has happened in the last 4 months, we have not had a lot of time just to ourselves.  The time spent together was good and it help us refresh our batteries.  We laughed, we cried, we slept, and cried some more.  We talked about all the wonderful times we had with our Munchers and how she made us better people.  We thought about the what ifs and the whys and what nows.  Overall it was a great weekend and we hated to see it come to an end and have to come back to the reality that was awaiting us back home.  An empty apartment, back to work, and a cat that lets us know that we have not paid him enough attention. 

We want to say "Happy Mother's Day" to our mothers and thank them for all they have done for us, especially in these last couple of months.  We also want to send Mothers Day wishes to all of your friends that have recently become or have been mothers.  You all are doing fantastic jobs and know that you are appreciated.  Hold your children tight and tell them you love them every minute of every day. 

And to my wife, my sweet beauiful wife, I want to wish you a Happy Mothers Day, one in the line of many more to come with all our wonderful children including our sweet daughter Zayana Grace.  I am here for you my love and I will always be!  I love you!

Oh yea, Z wanted me to tell you.........

Happy Mom's Day mommy!!  I love and miss you so much!!

Here are a couple of other pics from our weekend away:



Wearing yellow for Wishbone Day!





Love you Munchers!!!

HAPPY WISHBONE DAY!

Thank you

From the bottom of our hearts we would like to say thank you to all who attended our daughters memorial service, have sent us cards and prayers, or even just thought about us or our precious little baby girl.  It has meant so much to us to receive all of your support during these tough times for our family.  Without your support or Gods love we probably would have crumbled by now.  We have definitely felt very blessed to be amongst so many wonderful people. Again thank you so much!!

Please remember Wishbone Day on May 6th and show your support by wearing yellow!