Mendez Moments

A Very Special Birthday Wish

2012-01-02T09:12:00.000-08:00

I want to send a very special birthday wish to little Colin Stuart. Colin is the son of our friends the Stuart family and he would have been one year old today. We know just how bittersweet today will be for the Stuart family and we hope that all of you will send a prayer there way. They have been very instrumental in helping us get through our grief and personally has helped me to understand grief from a males perspective. If it wasn't for Steven (Colin's daddy) I don't know where I would be. Thank you for all you have done Steven, you are a great friend! I hope and pray your day becomes what you hope for it to be. Know that we are here for you if you need anything.
So again, if you can please send a prayer or well wish to the Stuart family today and make sure to wish little Colin a very happy birthday. Happy birthday Colin! I know that you and my precious little Zayana Grace are the best of friends in Heaven!

From your friends on the west coast,
Ernesto, Christina, Zayana Grace, & DeJuan Gabriel Mendez

If you would like please check out Steven blog. It can be found under our "Blog List" on the right.

January 1, 2011

2012-01-02T01:07:00.000-08:00

Dearest Munchers,
Today a year ago a miracle happened. Today a year ago after 9 days of wondering if you would live to see another day we were able to take you home. I remember it so clear. Today a year ago we had so much hope and joy. We just knew that you were going to beat all the odds. We knew what you were capable of. Today a year ago was the beginning of the best 4 months of my life. It was you, me, and your mommy together making the best of everything. I'm sorry that we were stressed and tired and didn't know exactly what to do. But as always you taught us what to do and we became true parents that night. That was the first time we were on our own with you. At time I wonder how we made it and then I think of how far you came in those 9 days. You taught us how. Thank you mija for all of your wonderful gifts. Thank you for being my daughter. I love you and miss you lots Zayana Grace! Happy New Year mija!

Always and Forever,
Your Loving Daddy

Below are slideshows for the 27th to the 31st. You can also click on the link to the right that will take you to all of the photo albums on Picasa.

The New Year

2012-01-01T01:59:00.001-08:00

Here we are into 2012 and it still does not feel different. I am hoping that 2012 will be a better year. I already know it is. Chris and I are having a quite night at home thinking about the last year and our future in the next. Its been a somber night, quite a bit of sadness, and a lot of soul searching. We miss our precious Zayana Grace and look forward to our son DeJuan Gabriel. Holding each other, crying, feeling on momma's belly feeling DJ move. It was a good New Years Eve.

We hope everyone is having a good New Years Eve. We are thinking of everyone tonight, especially the ones who have also lost thier little ones. We hope that your 2012 is a better year than 2011. We love you all.

Mommy and daddy miss you so much baby girl. We hope that you can help mommy, daddy, and lil brother DJ have a good 2012. We love you Munchers!

December 24, 2010 Slideshow

2011-12-30T15:20:00.000-08:00

Here is the slideshow for the 24th, Zayana's second day on this Earth. She had lots of family come and visit her this day and while each person came in with low spirits, they left feeling full of hope. I swear that she is smiling in some of the pictures! Love you Munchers!

December 23, 2010 Slideshow

2011-12-30T15:18:00.001-08:00

The Christmas season is now offically over and things are starting to get back to "normal" for Chris and I. We had some tough times over the holiday week, especially on Christmas Eve and New Years Eve. As promised here are Zayana's pictures from when she was born. I will be posting more pictures and videos later.

Hope you enjoy this slideshow. Click on it and it will take you to the Picasa Web Album. Mommy and daddy miss you lots Munchers!

December 24th and 25th, 2010

2011-12-25T12:19:00.000-08:00

On December 24th I was able to compose myself and finally remember to record some video of our Z. I remember this day specifically because she was more awake on this day than the 23rd and more responsive as you will see in the video. On this day we also had our phone consult with the geneticist. I will to my dying day remembers that conversation. This is when we were told that Zayana Grace did have Osteogensis Imperfecta and that her diagnosis was dire. We were told that the likely hood of her survival was minimal and that we probably did not have long with her, maybe a couple of days. As you can believe it was very heartbreaking. I remember one specific conversation with the doctors where I asked if we would be able to take her home. Their response was "Lets take it one day at a time." Hearing that my heart just sank. Chris and I were just devastated. We sat there and cried for what seemed like a couple of hours thinking that the miracle we just received was going to be taken away.

In the midst of our heartbreak we decided to try to compose ourselves and be strong for our little girl. We wiped away the tears and walked back over to her crib. It seemed like one of the longest walk of our lives. And to hour surprise our little Z was awake and she seemed to know that we needed to be consoled, that we were the ones that needed to be picked up. I remember the look she gave us when we got to her crib. It was magical. She looked at us as to tell us, "I'm OK mom and dad, things will be fine." From then on we just knew that no matter what was said of our Z she would perceive and fight till the end. From then on we had hope.

On the 24th Zayana had lots of visitors. All of them coming in with glum hopes and prepared to say their goodbyes. They left with uplifted hearts and more hope than they could imagine. This was her gift to everyone that Christmas. My dad was a big recipient of her gift. I remember just how devastated he was when I told him the news that she may not live long. I had never seen him like this before, even when his father passed away. He just could not believe that his precious granddaughter Zayana Grace was on this Earth for a limited time. He was one of the first people I brought in to see Z. In the video you can see just how happy she made him. She gave him the gift of hope. Thank you little Zayana Grace for giving your grandpa this gift.

Here is Zayana Grace's second day on this Earth.

On the 24th we also had Zayana baptized.

After a long day, Christmas came and we were a bit tired. But we were still very thankful that our little Z was still here and this is when Chris and I started our tradition of singing "Happy Birthday" to Zayana at 12:47am of every morning she was here. We did not get it on video but here we are waiting to sing to her.

Merry Christmas

2011-12-25T00:46:00.001-08:00

Merry christmas Munchers, daddy and mommy miss you very much! You would have looked so pretty in your Christmas dress. Love you mija!

In Z's Memory

2011-12-24T18:42:00.000-08:00

Since Z's passing Chris and I have talked about what we were going to do to memorialize our daughter. We know that we wanted to give back as we recieved so much love, help, and inspiration throughout her short life. We wanted to help educate and infom others about Z's life and what she was facing. Since then we have become advocates for speaking out about Osteogensis Imperfecta (OI) in numerous ways. We participated in Bloomsday not long after her passing and talked to everyone we could about OI. We wore yelow t-shirts with her pictures to help raise awareness for Wishbone Day. Chris established "From Z With Love" to help new parents with OI children learn more about the condition and let them know that they were not alone in thier struggles. We have also become very active in Brief Encounters, a support group we attend for bereaved parents.

And on her birthday we did our daughter the greatest honor we thought possible. We decided to collect items for the St. Vincents NICU where she spend her first 9 days. We colleced items from blankets to toys and donated them all to the NICU. Chris called it "Zayana's Birthday Bash" and we celebrated her birthday in the place she was born. It felt really good to give back on such a grand scale. I think it helped us get through the day.

Below is the KGW story they ran on us.

Chris and I would like to thank you everyone who donated to Zayana's Birthday Bash. You helped to make it such a success. Again thank you all and we look forward to Z' B-day Bash 2012!

We love you and miss you so much Zayana Grace!!

A Year in Retrospect

2011-12-23T17:31:00.000-08:00

A year ago our daughter Zayana Grace was born. Its hard to imagine that a year has passed since that early morning on December 23rd. Everyday I replay that day in my head and it helps to bring me comfort in this harsh reality that she is no longer here with us. It brings me conform because for me its like hitting the reset button and starting over. Once I go back to the day of her birth, I have another 16 weeks to live with her. I know that it will never bring back my daughter. I know that I am currently just filling the void that was left in my heart when she left. But for the rest of my life I will "reset" my mind to the 23rd of December and that faithful morning where I was able to first hear her little cry, be able to see that little swollen face of hers, and to be able to hold her once more.

A year ago I started to take pictures and videos of Zayana in order to have them forever and show her just how much she had overcome. Needless to say they along with my memories are all I have left of her. A friend of mine who also lost a child once said that he counted all of the picture he had and was both amazed and saddened by the number of pictures he had. Amazed in the number he was able to get during his all to short two month life and saddened that he was not able to take more and that he should have taken more. I too feel the same right now. I am so happy that I have all of these pictures and videos to look at but I wish I was able to take more or that I should have taken more. I know there are days that I did not pick up the camera because I felt like I didn't need to take a picture. I now second guess that decision. I should have taken more.

For the last year I have kept a lot of these pics and vids to myself. They have been mainly for my wife and I to look at when we needed reminders of our precious Z. Some family and friends have seen them but not all of them. I know that has been somewhat selfish of me but I can't help it, she was MY little girl and these pictures were OURS. But as time passed I decided to myself that I would not hold that all in anymore and I promised to Z that I would show everyone just how beautiful she was. As of today and for the next 16 weeks I will be living Zayana Grace's life here on the blog. I will post as many pictures and videos as I can. I will show everyone Zayana Grace in all her glory. I think this will help in my healing and in the healing of others. I am in the process of creating a channel on YouTube and posting all of her videos there and creating slide shows of her pictures for all to see. Zayana deserves it. Everyone else deserves it. So from today on I will post corresponding pictures and videos from the days that she was here. I have a couple of pics and videos for the 23rd and 24th and I will soon post them. And every day until that faithful day in April I will post. I love you my precious Zayana Grace! Daddy misses you so much Munchers!

Happy Birthday

2011-12-23T00:53:00.001-08:00

Happy birthday to the prettiest, smartest little girl I know. At 12:47am one year ago today you changed our lives for the better. We love you and miss you so much Munchers! Hapoy birthday to my dear Zayana Grace Mendez!

2011-11-23T10:29:00.001-08:00

Happy 11 month birthday Muncher! We love you and miss you lots baby girl!

Your Mommy's Birthday

2011-10-11T12:31:00.000-07:00

My Sweet Little Girl Zayana Grace,

Hi Munchers! Lasttime I wrote you was on your 9 month birthday and to tell you of your littlebrother. Today I want to talk to youabout another special day for us. Thatspecial day is October 10th. You know why it’s so special? It’s because this is your mommy’sbirthday. Yea that right, your mommy hada birthday yesterday. Unfortunately it wasn’ta completely happy birthday. Your mommywas sad yesterday because she missed you so much. I don’t mean to say that its your faultlittle one, because its not. To behonest everyday without you is a sad day, which makes special days likeyesterday even harder. Let me tell you alittle about what we did to celebrate your Mommy's birthday.

On Friday we went to one of our most favorite places in theworld, Manzanita. We decided to take aweekend trip to the coast and spend some time to ourselves. Of course we brought you along with ustoo. While we know your spirit is alwayswith us we also brought along our “Munchers Vision”. You know Munchers Vision, it’s the digitalframe we have with all of your pictures. Mommy and daddy never go away without bringing our Munchers Vision alongwith us. As always it helps us to see all of your beautiful picture.

We spent the majority of the weekend just being. With our busy lives and our opposite scheduleyour mommy and daddy don’t really get enough time to be together. So on weekends like this we just like to betogether and try to relax. We walkedaround the small town. We walked alongthe beach when it was not raining. (BTW-thanks for the sunshine on Saturday!) And as we always do, we talked about you. We love to talk about you Munchers! We laughed and we cried. Together, we missed our little girl.

Mommy was also able to write your name on the beach. She loves to do that. Every time we go to the beach, she writesyour name in the sand. I think it helpsher. She just writes your name sobeautifully. Beautiful writing for abeautiful name. After she was done we just stood there and admired yourname. We said a few words, we shed somemore tears, and we told you just how much we missed you. I don’t think we can ever tell enough justhow much we miss you!

On her actual birthday (Monday) daddy decided to stay homewith your mommy and spend more time with her. Daddy loves spending time with your mommy. We didn’t do much. No real celebration just the two of usmissing you. Simba was really snuglywith your mommy. I think he knew she neededextra snuggles that day. Your mommy wasvery grateful to him for snuggling, but I think she still wished it was you shewas snuggling.

It breaks my heart to see your mommy so sad. I wish that Icould do something about it but unfortunately I know I cant. Its just part of this process of grievingyou. Special days like birthdays andholidays just aren’t the same anymore. I'm not saying that they wont be special again, its just hard to be excitedabout them when we miss you so much. I don’tknow what we are going to do for the holidays this year. And with your 1 year birthday being just acouple days before Christmas……I just don’t know.

Anyways Munchers, I don’t want to get to down so I willtalk to you later about that. Please tryto wish your mommy a happy birthday. I know that she would love to get a visitfrom you in her dreams. If you cant cometo her dreams, then maybe you could give her a sign that you are thinking ofher. I know she would love that. Take care Munchers! Mommy and daddy miss you very much! I love you!

Always and Forever,

Your loving daddy

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To the most amazing woman I have ever met,

Your daily strength amazes me. You are the most loving, caring, compassionate, thoughtful, beautiful, person I know. You were meant to be Zayana's mommy and she was meant to be your daughter. Nobody could have taken care or loved her the way you did. I wish I could do more to ease your pain. If I could, I would go up to Heaven and bring our daughter back. Thank you for letting me be your husband. Happy birthday my love! I love you so much!

Always and Forever,

Your Loving Husband

9 Months

2011-09-23T13:36:00.000-07:00

My dearest Zayana,

Daddy has been thinking of you all morning. I have been thinking about how today is your9 month birthday! I am sending you a big,big 9 month birthday wish and hung. Iwish that I could give it to you in person but unfortunately I can’t. Daddy hasbeen thinking about what you would be doing today. Would you be trying to roll over? Would you be trying to sit up? Would you be having long conversation withdaddy about the geo-political climate of today? Maybe not the latter but you probably would be more vocal today. I miss that. I miss the things that we never got together. I will always miss themissed. But I will not try to be too sadtoday. That was a couple of days agowith your Heaven Day. Today is a day ofhappiness. Today 9 months ago youchanged my life forever.

Oh Munchers I just miss you so much. It’s hard to look at your pictures and notshed a tear. But that is ok. I don’t mind crying anymore, especially if it’sfor you. I love all of youpictures. I love your smiling ones, youryawning ones, your stone face poker looks, I love them all. I am so glad I was able to take so many. Yet sometimes I wish had taken more.

My little Munchers is 9 months old today!! Yea!! You’regetting to be such a big girl. Are youbeing good for Grandpa Abe and great Grandpa Mendez in heaven? Are you having a big party with all yourlittle angel friends? Are you makinglots of new friends? Oh of course youare! Silly daddy for asking! I’m sure if you had your way you would be onGods Heaven welcoming committee and welcoming everyone into heaven with openarms. It sounds like something you woulddo. You would be especially welcoming toall the new little ones (especially the little snowflake angels) that had to unfortunatelyleave their mommies and daddies and had gone to heaven. You would tell them “Hi, I’m Zayana. Don’t be scared. I too had to leave my mommy and daddy. Don’t worry, they will be ok, God will takecare of them and HE will let you see them from time to time. I know you missthem because I miss my mommy and daddy too, but God will be here to take careof us. Come on; let me show you aroundand what we can do here in Heaven. You’regonna love it!” That’s my girl!

So what do you think about being a big sister? Yea, you’re gonna be a big sister! Right now there is a little baby in yourmommy’s belly. But you already knowthat, didn’t you? Was that you playingwith your little brother (I think) during the ultrasound? It looked like the both of you were playingtickle games. He was moving so much for us! I know that was you with him. Are you excited? I know I am. While I may not feel as excited as when I heard that you were insideyour mommy, I truly am excited to have another little baby. I know I have been sad lately but that is nothow I feel about your little brother. I’msad because you’re not here to enjoy it with us. I know, you will always be here. I know that you will always be watching overyour little brother, acting as his guardian angel.

I know Ziggy sounds like a silly name but let meexplain. Ziggy is not going to be hisreal name. It’s just a little name we aregiving him until we know what he is going to be. For now he is Ziggy the Zygote. When we find out what sex he is then we willgive him his proper name. I know, I keepreferring to Ziggy as him. That’s becausemy gut tells me that Ziggy is going to be a boy. My gut knew that you were going to be a girl,and I told everyone. Your mommy andeveryone else thought you were going to be a boy. Not daddy, I knew you were going to be mylittle girl! So for the time being HEwill be known as Ziggy until we find out that he is for sure a boy. Im glad you approve!

Happy 9 month birthday Zayana Grace. You continue to behave for grandpa Abe, greatgrandpa Mendez and Tia Eva, ok. Daddyand mommy miss you so much and think about you every day. You are always on our minds. Remember, daddy is sending a big hug, kiss,and birthday wish your way. Be sure tolook for your balloons and bows later today, ok. Daddy misses you. I Love you Munchers!!!

Always and Forever,

Your Loving Daddy

Ziggy

2011-09-22T14:55:00.001-07:00

More to come.......

September 19th: Two Years/Five Months

2011-09-21T14:11:00.000-07:00

My Dearest Munchers,

Oh how I miss you so! Yesterday was one of those bitter sweet days. I was trying real hard to be happy, and formost of the day I was. Let me explain a littleas to why I was both happy and sad. Yesterday, September 19th, was the 2 year anniversary of yourmommy and daddy getting married. Usuallywe would be so excited to celebrate such a day. Don’t get me wrong because we were excited, it’s just that we were sadtoo. We were sad because the best thingto ever happen to the both of us was not here. One of the best things to come from our getting married was you and wewere missing you so much on our special day. But let me get away from the sadness for a bit and let me tell you astory of a very magical day…..

It all started on a cloudy September morning with of courserain. Daddy was so worried that it wasgoing to be a wet day and we would have to go to plan B. Daddy did not want to go to plan be so hechecked the weather report…….

As the hours ticked by we finally came to the moment that your daddy was able to see your mommy. That was a magical moment.I remember standing on the pier, with my back turned toward the dock.Then there was this tap on my shoulder and there she was, your mommy looking so beautiful. She looked like an angel.I was just amazed.I felt so lucky.We talked, we hugged, and we kissed. We took a lot of pictures before the ceremony was to start.I felt like I did not want that day to end

As the ceremony was beginning, I remember thinking tomyself, “Hey, I’m not nervous”. It allfelt so right. Yes Munchers that was Godtelling me that I was meant to be with your mommy. As the people sat in front of me and familymembers and friends filed down the aisle I remember thinking I could not waitto see you mommy. And there she was, allbeautiful with a big smile! I lovedit!

The ceremony was nice and the reception was a big hit. We had many family and friends around and hada great time. When it was all over itwas just me and your mommy all alone. Wewere married on the road to discovering a wonderful life together. And then came you! Our biggest blessing since that day!

And while September 19th is a happy day for us,the 19th of any month will also always bring me sadness. Because you see the 19th is whenyou went to go and be with God. It wasn’tthe 19th of September; it was the 19th of April. It was a long 5 months ago on that day we hadto say goodbye to you. And every monththat has gone by is just as hard as the last if not harder. The 19th of any month is just aharsh reminder that I don’t have you here to take care of. I don’t have my Zayana Grace to hold and loveand kiss and play with. And every 19of whatever month it is I just miss you more and more. Every day you are not here with me justhurts.

I miss you so much Munchers! While the 19th of September 2011was special, it just did not feel the same. I was so looking forward to having you here to help us celebrate. I was so looking forward to always having myZayana Grace with me to tell mommy happy anniversary or happy birthday or happymommy day. I was looking forward to gettingup with you while mommy was still sleeping and making her breakfast, bringingit to her and seeing her face just light up as we BOTH entered the room. I wish we could have had that. I wish you were still here.

And so Miss Zayana Grace, you see why daddy has such atough time. I know you do and I knowthat you miss me and your mommy too. Butyou luckily have God to hold you and comfort you while you wait for your mommyand daddy. He will always be there tocomfort you and hold you and take care of you. All things that I should be doing. But if there is anyone I can leave you with in good capable hands, Ithink God would be the top of that list. He will take care of you just your daddy would. And in turn, He will take care of your daddyjust the same. I miss you my daughterand I will always love you!

Daddy loves you!!!

Always and forever,

Your loving daddy

BTW – Have you met Ziggy yet? To be continued……….

Your Prayers Are Needed

2011-09-15T08:19:00.000-07:00

To everyone that prayed for our family I would like to express my whole hearted thanks. But now I would like to ask you all for more prayers, not for us but for another family. We have been following the lives of Baby Jaela and her mommy and daddy and they currently are in need of many prayers. I wont go into to many details but Baby Jaela is currently in a battle for her life. While she seems to be doing better now she still is not out of the woods yet. She to has OI and is going through many of the same things that my precious Z went through. Please, please, please send you prayers there way because they need them so. I'm not one to ask much from others but if you could please help it would be greatly appreciated.

We know the battle and heartache they are facing all to close. And we know just how much it helps to have those prayers from people. Again I beg of everyone to pray for this family. We want to see Baby Jaela pull out of this. We want to see this family take home there baby. I have even pulled out the big guns and asked Z to come and be with Baby Jaela and help her. I know she is. She has always been such a helper. THANK YOU Z!! And thank you to everyone else, you just don't know how much each thought, prayer, phone call, or email helps. I love you all!

Always and forever,

Z's Daddy

If you want to follow up and read more on Baby Jaela, please follow the link to their blog on our blogroll, "Baby Jaela". Thanks again!

Stumped and sad

2011-09-11T22:53:00.000-07:00

Dearest Z,

I was thinking hard today of something inspirational to say. I wanted to incorporate something touching about remembering 9/11 and you and grief and the lives we live today. I tried to think of something to say that would inspire. Unfortunately I couldn't. I tried but I was just feeling to exhausted and then everything I wrote just did not sound good enough. So I decided to write something short and sweet and tell you that I love you. I miss you so much and I just cant help but feel so sad. I miss you. I love you. Take care my little sweetheart, daddy is thinking of his little girl. Maybe tomorrow I will have something more to say. I love you Munchers!

Always and forever,

Your Loving Daddy

Daddy's Girl

2011-09-09T14:54:00.000-07:00

Precious Baby Girl,

One of my favorite things about our time together was watching you and your daddy interact. Oh my goodness! Such love! I got a greater glimpse into our Heavenly Father's love for us by watching him pour every bit of his heart into you, his little Munchers. He would have done ANYTHING for you. I think that sometimes he made me take naps just so he could spend some one-on-one time with his little girl. I can't blame him. I was the lucky one, getting to be with you all day when your daddy had to go to work. It broke his heart to have to leave the house. He would rush home, fling open the door and shout, "Munchers! Munchers! Daddy's home!" He cherished every second with you and there wasn't a moment that you weren't the very first thing on his mind.

The only thing that could match his love for you, was your love for him. Oh, the looks you would give him. Such adoration. Do you know how happy you made him when you would smile and try to laugh? He tried all sorts of things to make you smile. They always worked. Your bond was incredible. You and I have a very special bond, too, and our love for each other is just as big, but there was definitely a unique, beautiful connection between you and your Daddy. You and I know just how amazing your daddy is. Thank you for returing his love so powerfully. He deserved you as his daughter. The most special little girl for the most special man on the planet.

This is one of my most precious memories. The two people I love most on this earth just having fun and loving each other.

Just remember, Mommy loves you, too and misses you soooooooooooo much!

Prayer

2011-08-26T14:33:00.000-07:00

My Little Zayana,

I pray that your mommy finds peace. She has been having such a difficult time since you’ve been gone. She loves you very much and just misses you so. It pains me that I cannot do anything to help her except hold her close and wipe away the tears. She just misses her little Munchers and all of your milestones you would have reached. She’s not angry or bitter at other families as they achieve milestones with their babies, she just wishes it was you and her. Mommy misses her baby girl.

I’m not one for asking for help but there is one thing I am asking of you. I know that it may not be possible but if anyone could make this happen I know it’s you. If you could, would it be possible for you to come and visit your mommy while she sleeps? She has been asking for a “Munchers Dream” and has not had one yet. While I know that this will not take her pain and sorrow away, it may give her some comfort. She just wants to see you again. Could you do that for daddy Z? Could you do that for your mommy?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dearest Lord,

I come to you as your humble servant. I know that I don’t pray to you enough and I hope to change that. I am here praying to you as both my wife and I need your help. We have had such a difficult time since our little Zayana has left us to be with you. It has been very hard to understand why this has happened and we know that it is your will. We know that we will probably never get an answer to this question and we do not blame you. We know you were not the cause of this tragedy and we are coming to the conclusion that we were not as well.

Again this is your will. We know that when we come to this Earth we are all given a time. For our little Z, her time was not as long as ours or others. We are thankful for the 16 weeks you did give us with her. It has been such a blessing and we would not change any of for the world. Thank you so much for all you have done for us.

I pray for you love and compassion during these tough time. Not just for me, but for my wife. As you know Lord she is having such a difficult time with our loss of Z. I pray to you to help her find some peace during this long and difficult journey. I pray to you to help give me the strength to help my wife during her tough times. I pray that you provide her with your strength and love when she feels like another tough day is ahead of her. I pray that you provide her friends and family with the love, strength and support that she need from them. I pray that you help us find the right paths during our journey together. And most of all I pray that you allow our Munchers to visit her mommy while mommy sleeps.

Please God I beg of you to answer this one prayer. My wife needs her daughter. I know this will not take away all of her pain, but I know it will give some peace. I beg you to please provide my wife with such a wonder blessing as the one you gave me. Please bless her and let her visit with Zayana. She just misses her so much.

I am your humble servant. I ask this of you in your name. Amen.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Munchers,

Thanks for helping me with my prayer for mommy. I know you miss her too. Could you help daddy with one more thing? Could you deliver my prayer to him in person? Can you take it to God and help explain how important this is to your daddy? Maybe while you are there you can help to talk him into it. Just a thought.

Anyways, daddy miss you lots Munchers! There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about you. I miss you so much. I love you.

Always and Forever,

Your Loving Daddy

Missing You So Much

2011-08-24T14:31:00.000-07:00

My Dearest Zayana,

Every month that passes just seems to get harder and harder. Yesterday would have been your 8 month birthday and I just miss you so much. I miss you more now than I did on that day back in April that changes my life forever. At least thats how I feel today. Honestly it’s probably the same; it’s just that now you have been gone for a little more than 4 months. While the pain may not be as “raw” or “sharp” as it was then, the pain seems to be more of a nagging, lingering pain; more of a continuous sadness.

I wish you were still here. Yesterday I watched most of the videos we have of you. I was so happy to see you and hear you while at the same time so sad that I was not that same person in the videos holding my baby girl and laughing and playing with you. Yesterday I went into your room and looked at your old clothes. I couldn’t believe that you use to wear these outfits. They were so small. I wondered how big you would be now and what new outfits you would be wearing. It took out two of my favorites and held them close, hoping you would appear in them. I held them to my face trying to catch a hint of you smell. I cried and asked why. Why our daughter? Why us? Why, why, why!

I started to feel guilty as I was looking at your Pooh sleeper you were wearing on that faithful day. Guilty that I was still alive and you weren’t. Guilty that I wasn’t able to do more to save you. Guilty that I didn’t do enough with you when you were still here. The guilt just overcame me and I couldn’t stop crying. I tried to stop but I couldn’t. I was asking for your forgiveness.

It took me a while but I was eventually able to compose myself. I believe you had a hand in that. I could feel you small little arms hugging my heart, trying to make daddy feel better. I love your small, little, harry arms. I love everything about you. And I miss you so much!

I went to the Dollar Store to get some balloons for your birthday. Mommy and daddy know just how much you love balloons. As I picked them out I could feel people looking at me. Did I look so bad? Probably. Even the cashier was looking at me probably wondering what was wrong with me yet buying birthday balloons. I must have looked like a sad wreck. Anyways I went to see mommy at work and we released your birthday balloons into the air. Did you get you balloons and hair bows?

I don’t mean to get so sad Munchers. I just miss you so much. I know today would and should be a happy day, and I’m sure someday it might be. Just not today. But I promise to be happy again someday.

Happy birthday Munchers! Daddy loves you. Daddy misses his little girl. Daddy wishes you were still here. I love you.

Always and Forever,

Your loving Daddy

2011-08-23T14:16:00.001-07:00

Happy 8 month birtday Munchers! Mommy and daddy love you and miss you lots!

Thinking of You

2011-08-19T13:57:00.000-07:00

My sweet little girl,

It’s been a while since I’ve written you and while I have some time at work I figured I should. Today is another one of the milesotne that we always talk about. Today is the 4th month since your "Heaven Day" and I miss you so much. As I say every month, Its hard to believe that you've been in Heaven for so long. It really does not get any easier as time passes by, no matter what people like to say. The 19th of every month will from now on always be a sad day for me.

Don’t worry baby girl, it’s not your fault that Daddy is sad. Daddy just misses you and wishes that you were here.

As you know we made in impromptu visit to your Grandparents house last week. I think they were a little surprised when your Mommy and I arrived at their door. I know Grandma and Grandpa Mendez were happy to see us. They couldn’t stop smiling. Thank you for helping Grandma through with her knee surgery. She was really scared and I know that she drew a lot of strength from you. Thanks Munchers!

While I was in their living room I kept looking at the spot on the carpet that you were at in my dream. I don’t know why, maybe I was hoping that it would come true. Maybe I was hoping to turn around and look and see you laying there just like in the dream. Maybe. I told them about my dream and they were really happy that I was able to have such a precious moment with you. I wish I could have another.

I wish you were still here. I just miss you so much. Your Mommy misses you too. She has her up days and her down days just like Daddy. I know her down days really hit her hard and there isn’t much Daddy can do. Days like that I wish I could go up to Heaven and bring you back so Mommy can hold you. I wish.

You’re always on my mind Munchers. But that is a good thing; Daddy always wants you on his mind. I want to always remember my little girl. I hope that I never get to the day that I don’t think about you.

I’m sorry but I seem to be rambling today. There just seem to be so many thought in my head, so I will leave it at that. I miss you lots Z. Daddy loves you with all of his heart!!

Always and forever,

Your loving Daddy

BTW: Have you met Ziggy yet?

Heart to Heart/Books

2011-08-09T12:57:00.000-07:00

My dearest Munchers,

Do you remember your Tia Christina? I know you do, she was the one that showered you with all kinds of gifts and love. On Friday I had a very good conversation with your Tia Christina. We talked about how each of us were doing and plenty about you. We discussed how much we love you and how much we miss you. It was a very refreshing conversation because she seems to be the only one that “gets it”. She wasn’t trying to fix me or tell me how to grieve or make it all about her. We just talked. We talked about you, talked about our grandpa who is with you in heaven, and talked our family.

In my conversation with your Tia I realized just how much she loves you. I know that she loved you but it really became apparent to me just how much she does. She was going to be one of your biggest advocates and she still is. Her work spreading OI awareness is phenomenal. She talked about how amazing you are. She continues to give and help out your mommy with “From Z With Love”. She continues to cry and pray for you and your mommy and daddy. Your Tia is an amazing person and I know the both of you would have had an amazing relationship and it saddens me that you both will not be able to experience it here on Earth.

Yesterday I came across the books she had sent you. As you know she sent you a couple of audio books she recorded herself. I opened them both up yesterday and heard the very touching messages she left for you in the beginning of the books. They both brought me to tears. They were both very heartfelt and so thoughtful. She stated in both about her love for you and how she could not wait to spend more time with you. I cried. I cried because I felt sad that the both of you would never be able to have these precious moments she talked about. The hanging out, the getting to know you, the loving on you as only an auntie could. I’m sorry that you will never get to spend time with your Tia and that she will never get to spend time with you.

Again you Tia is an amazing person and I am so proud of the person she has become. I am so proud to be her big brother and I miss her so. I am so glad that she was able to meet you in person and that I have pictures of the two of you together. I am so glad she is your auntie. Watching her with you reinforced my thoughts that she would be a fantastic mother. If you get a chance please visit your Tia and let her know how much you love her. I’m sure she would love that. Take care mija, daddy misses you lots.

Always and forever,

Your Loving Daddy

Brave

2011-08-04T10:45:00.000-07:00

My Precious Warrior Princess,

Today, Mommy went to get some moles removed. When I was all done, the receptionist jokingly asked me if I wanted an "I Was Brave" sticker. I started to laugh it off, then thought of my baby girl. "Yes," I said, my voice filled with conviction. "Yes, I do!"

You never got a sticker telling you how brave you were. If anyone deserved one, it was you, Munchers. If there was ever a face of bravery, it is yours. You are the toughest, most determined, most courageous person I have ever known. You are the very definition of brave.

Getting my moles removed was not difficult or scary, but I know that I will have times ahead that will make me question my strength. Trying to live without you defnitely falls into that definition. Everytime I feel like I just can't go on, I think of you, baby girl, and remember how brave you were. You give me the strength to keep going.

Oh, and the sticker? I know you don't need one. You wore your bravery like a badge. But, I'm still a Mommy and my little girl deserves a sticker, so my little girl got one! I placed it in your crib next to your favorite things. Thank you for showing Mommy how to be strong.

I love you and miss you with my whole heart,

Mommy

In My Dreams...

2011-07-25T16:08:00.000-07:00

My Dearest Zayana Grace,

You continue to amaze me little one. You amaze me at how thoughtful you are and how on July 23rd with would have been your 7 month birthday (happy 7 months by-the-way) you came and visitied me in my dreams. You just keep on giving! Thank you Z for this precious gift! To be able to see you, hold you, hear you, even if it was in a dream, was the best thing ever. I got to see your precious little face again. It was the same little face I remember with just a couple of 7 month changes to it. I got to see your awe inspiring smile again. This time I could see some teeth coming in. I got to feel you weight in my arms again. I was able to pick you up and feel you and smell you and kiss you. And probably the best part of my dream was hearing you laugh. Oh how I cried when I heard your little giggle. It was the only thing that I wish would have happened before you passed. Since you were born I could not wait to hear you laugh. There is nothing like a baby’s laugh, so infectious! And as I thought, yours was perfection!

I am still awe-struck by your visit Zayana! While I know that you wanted to come and visit daddy, I know it would not have been possible without God. God placed you in my dream and let us spend a little time together. I have been asking God to bless me and let you visit me in my dreams since you went to heaven. And when you finally where there, as real as can be in my dream I had to thank God. As I held you in my arms I thanked God from the bottom of my heart for such a wonderful gift. And When I awoke, I thanked God again as I lay in my sleeping bag weeping with happiness. Thank you God! Thank you for bringing my daughter to me and allowing us to spend some daddy-daughter time! Thank you oh mighty Lord!

I can remember it as clear as day, can you Z? I was at your grandma and grandpa Mendez’ house in the living room I had been at so many times before. I remember turning to look towards the door and there I saw a baby crawling on the floor. Black hair, Winnie the Pooh sleeper, bowed lower legs just like yours. The babies arms where extending out, reaching in front. Could this be you? Could this be my Munchers!!?? Munchers was not crawling!? As the baby then tried to turn over I saw your face! It is, it is Munchers. I ran to you as I saw you turn yourself over. I ran because you looked like you were having trouble and I wanted to help you! Silly daddy, Munchers does not need help with such things!!

As you turned you saw me and smiled, and as you landed on your back you began to laugh! You even reached for me!! I lay down next to you and began to cry and play with you and tickle you. As I tickled you, you laughed like only Munchers could laugh and reached for my hand. We lay there for what could have been eternity but were only a minute or so. I then picked you up and felt the weight I have been missing for so long. You reached for my face as I gave you a kiss and smelled you in. I looked into your deep brown eyes while you looked into mine and I was lost. My little girl was here in my arms!! I told you I loved you and held you close. I stood up and looked toward the heavens and thank God for this gift. I cried. I woke up.

I imagine this is what you would have been like today if you were still with us. I would be worried silly as my little Munchers was starting to crawl and turn on her own. I would do whatever I could to make you laugh! I would hold you close and never let you go. I have never had a dream seem more real than this one. In fact now that I think about it, it wasn’t a dream, it was real and God did let me spend more time with my precious daughter!

But enough about my gift, let’s talk about your 7 month birthday! Did you get the balloons mommy and I sent you the day before? We sent you two balloons with two new sets of bows for you collection. We sang you happy birthday and thought long and hard of our little warrior princess. We hope you had a great 7 month birthday Munchers, I know I did!! I love you Zayana Grace! And I miss you even more!! Hopefully we will see you on your 8 month birthday, daddy and mommy hope so!!

Always and forever,

Your loving Daddy

Strength

2011-07-20T13:17:00.000-07:00

My dearest little Munchers,

I’m sorry you had to see me so sad yesterday. I couldn’t help myself. Yesterday was just one of those strong reminders that you are no longer here with us. I know that your spirit will always be with us, watching over your mommy and me, trying to comfort us when we need it. I know your there because I can feel you. I swear I can feel you whispering in my ear. I can feel you sitting on my shoulder, your little wings flapping like a hummingbird, trying to comfort your daddy. I just wish you were really here sitting on my shoulder.

I’m better today Munch, just a little drained. Your mommy was a big help yesterday. She always helps me during the tough days. Last night after praying for you over your crib all the sadness caught up with me and as I crawled into bed it all came out and I cried. So many thoughts were going through my head; why were you gone? What could I have done differently? Do you miss us? Why? And them your mommy wrapped me in her arms and held me tight. She whispered you name in my ear and held me close and let me cry. I love your mommy so much! She has such strength it reminds me of you. She is such an amazing woman but I don’t have to tell you. I’m sure you already know this from all of the sleepless nights she would be up with you, taking care of you, and loving on you. Your mommy is truly amazing!

I also wanted to thank you for last week Munch. You know how stressed our daddy was with all of the testing I had to go through. Daddy prayed to you and to God to provide me with strength to get through it all. And of course, you both came through. Many times during the written exam I was losing concentrations and you were there to tell me to focus and calm me down. Again I felt your presence on my shoulder telling me that I knew the answers. Many time during the mile run daddy wanted to stop and quit. But you wouldn’t let daddy quit you were behind me, pushing me, telling me that I could do it. And wouldn’t you know it; daddy ran a mile in just over 7 minutes, faster than I thought I ever could. Many time during the obstacle course as daddy climbed the stairs, walked the balance beam, jumped the fence, you were there to tell me to keep pushing, that daddy was no quitter!! After it was all done and I sat under the sun, I could hear you whisper, “Daddy, I’m so proud of you for pushing through! It must have been really hard!” I got in my car and wept. Thank you my warrior princess for your strength!

I will continue to ask you and God to provide me with strength and I know that you both will always help me out. I know that some days will be so overwhelming that all of our strengths combined will not be able to hold back the sadness. I’ve accepted this and will let the sadness overcome me. But I know that I will not be sad for long. Like any cloudy day (especially here in Portland!) it will burn off and the sun will shine through. And when the sun breaks through and shines on me, it will warm me and comfort me. On these sad days your strength and love will break though my sadness and warm and comfort my soul. And I will not be sad, because of you! Thank you Munchers for being so strong, and being my baby girl.

Daddy loves you and misses you so much!!

Always and forever,

Your Loving Daddy

Three Months Ago.....

2011-07-19T21:59:00.000-07:00

My sweet little Munchers,

I tried not to think about it too much today. I tried not to think about what happened today three months ago. And then I thought, “I need to remember today. I need to remember my sweet little Zayana Grace.” While it’s heartbreaking to think about this day three months ago, I have to remember all the good that came before and in the early morning of April 19.

Forever 16 weeks will seem like a lifetime to me and I will never forget them. I thank God everyday for allowing me to be your daddy for those 16 weeks. I know that I am still your daddy today, but it’s just that being your daddy while you were here on Earth was easier.

Forever I will remember all of your smiles and your grunts and your cries and especially your looks you gave me. Those were oh so special. I never felt so loved before and God how I miss them. I wish that I could still look into your eyes and see that look. I sometimes look at your pictures and swear that from the picture you’re looking into my soul and giving me that look. It makes me cry as I am crying right now as I write this. I know that was you that whispered into your buddy Sean’s ear at OI Camp and asked him to give me that look. I was speechless and again I started to cry.

Forever I will remember watching you and your mommy play together and how you would look at her with such loving eyes. It brought so much joy to my heart to see that, it was just amazing to see both of you light up. You were meant to be Chris’ daughter and Chris was meant to be your mommy. Watching you two during water therapy time, during exercise time, and during feedings and diaper changes was just priceless and again I thank God for giving me that. I thank him for giving me the family that I always wanted.

Forever I will remember your strong resilient spirit and how you accomplished so much in just 16 weeks. You wouldn’t let doctors tell you there was no hope. You wouldn’t let specialists tell you what you needed. You wouldn’t let nurses forget who was in charge. And most importantly, you wouldn’t let us lose faith. You should us just how tough you were and that nothing was going to prevent you from being happy. Not broken bones, not a swollen head, not the lack of sleep or eating, not your small stature. You may have been small but you lived life like you were 12 feet tall. You wouldn’t allow us to lose faith. After meetings with doctors with nothing but grave news and diagnosis, you would look at us as if to say, “They don’t know what they are talking about mommy and daddy, I’m going to be fine and beat this, just watch!” You would give hope to all that came to see you after they had been told that you may not live long and that they should come and say their goodbyes. Instead they came and said “WOW!” It was amazing to see people come to see you in bleak moods and leave just inspired by you. YOU changes so many live mija, I’m so proud of you!!

Forever I will remember the lessons you have taught me in 16 weeks. While I was the one that was supposed to teach you things, you turned it all around and taught me the world. It’s amazing to think of all the wisdom you had as just little baby. Your eyes were full of it. You were my teacher. You were my inspiration. You taught me that no matter how tough things get, that things will get better and that we shouldn’t let them get us down. You taught me not to be a quitter. You taught me how to have faith and love God.

Forever I will also think of the things we will miss out on. I will always wonder just how you would have grown up and what you would be like. I will always wonder what your birthday parties would have been like. I will always wonder how you voice would have sounded like. I will always wonder how tough you would have had it and how you would have been tough back. I will always wonder what kind of conversations we would have had. I will always wonder about just how stubborn you would have been. If you were anything like your mommy and daddy, I could only imagine. I can and I am sure I will always wonder.

Forever, forever, forever. This is what I have to look forward to. I look forward to forever remembering my sweet little girl; I look forward to forever being your daddy: and I look forward to being with you forever in Heaven. Oh what a joyous occasion that will be when I can hold you in my arms again! But for now I will forever hold on to your memory and I will forever try to live my life how you would have lived yours.

I love you Munchers and daddy misses you so much!!

Always,

you’re loving daddy,

Camp Attitude

2011-07-17T12:34:00.000-07:00

"Hey baby girl, did you have fun at camp?"

"Yea daddy, I love Camp Attitude!!"

On Wednesday my wife and I found what we believe is the happiest place on earth. No it was not Disneyland, it was Camp Attitude. Camp Attitude is a small camp in Foster, OR that caters to providing the camping experience to children with disabilities. This last week Camp Attitude hosted children with OI and their families. Unfortunately we were unable to spend the entire week there but we did get to spend one fantastic day with these unbelievable children and their amazing families.

When we first heard about camp from our friend we told ourselves that we would be taking Z there. We knew that this would be a place that she would grow to love. That this would be a place where she would be just like everyone else. A place that she would want to go to every year time and time again. A place where she would inspire. Unfortunately we were not able to take her in person. But I can tell you that we did feel her presence there. It was river day at camp and at first the day was cloudy, but wouldn't you know it, our little girl brought out the sun for all of her new friends.

If you looking for a worth cause to donate to look at Camp Attitude. The link here can take you to there website for more info. I know my wife and I are going to help and volunteer our time next year in helping the camp prep for the season and we will be there for the entire week of OI camp. Here are just some of the pictures I took of the wonderful people we met. Looking forward to Camp Attitude 2012!!!

Camp Attitude, a wonderful place!

How cute is Zoe!

Sean and Zoe's daddy Curtis.

Our lil' buddy Sean!

Chris and Khaitlyn

Chris, Khatlyn, and her camp buddy Sophia.

Sebastian and Evelia.

Scary Ben!

lil' Bryten.

Troy and Carter,
does this look like trouble to anyone else?

Brennan and Betsy

Brittnye and Shanessa

The Alpha Males of camp!

Troy and Chris

Taking the steps she'll never take...

2011-06-30T16:01:00.000-07:00

Last weekend, we spent a bittersweet day honoring Zayana's memory by walking in Noah's Quest in Sandy,OR. Noah's Quest is an annual event that brings families who have lost little ones together to remember, to cry, to share, to "take the steps they'll never take." We met some amazing families who shared in our grief, listened to our stories and who, of course, remarked on what a perfectly adorable little girl Zayana Grace is. It was a comfort to know that we are not alone, but the many children and babies who accompanied their families were a painful reminder of what we do not have. However, we must focus not on what we are missing, but on what we had the joy of experiencing- 16 weeks with the most beautiful, loving, amazing baby girl.

We invited family to walk with us. Some were unable to attend (understandable). Some chose not to attend (hurtful). We ended up with a small but mighty group draped in orange and sporting Zayana's gorgeous face. Next year we plan on extending the invitation to anyone who would like to honor Z's memory. We hope to have a huge turn out.

Munchers, we felt you cheering us on. Hope you enjoyed your balloons and all of the orange! Thanks for the sunshine. We miss you so very much and love you with all of our hearts. Thank you for blessing us so greatly.

Uncle Dan and Cousin Katie

All the ladies. Special shout out to Tia Christina (far left) who drove from Spokane to honor Z and
who has become a huge crusader for OI Awareness!

Remembering their precious grandbaby.

Pictures don't do it justice, but doves were released in honor of our babies. Majestic.

Baby Z, always shining her light down on us!

So true....

2011-06-28T15:42:00.000-07:00

Our friend at "Colin's Corner" recently had a great post. He listed a top 10 of the worst things that can be said (especially to him) to a grieving parent. It helps to explain some of the feelings I have been having lately with people and their need to help or say something significant to make me feel better. People need to understand that there is nothing that they can do that will or can make us feel better. WE ARE GRIEVING! Please let us grieve in our own way. Like he said, "...sometimes silence is golden." But this does not mean that you shouldn't acknowledge the fact that we lost our child. I think that hurts even more, when people pretend like nothing happened. If I can give anyone a word of advice on how to deal with a grieving parent is just let them be. Put yourself in there shoes and think on how you would want to be treated in this situation. I hope and pray that you never have to be.

I'm sorry if this post feels a little negative or confrontational but its just some feeling I have been having lately and I had to let them out. Thank you all for understanding. All I can say is GRIEF SUCKS!

And to you my little Munchers, daddy will never let you go and I will be thinking of you everyday, I promise. I know you understand if daddy is sad, I know your probably sad too! But we will be sad together as we will be happy together! And one day we WILL be together again, and I will be able to tell you in person that I love you!! I can't wait till that day! Daddy loves you and misses you sooo much Zayana Grace!

Always and Forever,

Your loving Daddy

Six Months...

2011-06-24T09:51:00.000-07:00

Written June 23, 2011

Today we should be celebrating the day you turned 6 months old. To most, 6 months would not have been a huge accomplishment. But for us, this day would have been a huge marker! Doctors had told us that if you could make it through the first year, your chances would be greater. Today would have been the half way point of that short journey and we would be so proud of all you have accomplished in 6 months. We would still be holding our breath waiting to see what the next 6 months would have brought us. We would be wondering what would be the next road block you would face and what you would do to overcome it, what new things you would have accomplished, and best of all, 6 more months of our Munchers!!

Today is your 6 month birthday and I am so happy for today. 6 months ago today in the early morning hours of December 23 you physically came into our lives and changed it forever. I will always remember when I first saw you and you took my breath away. With my breath, you also stole my heart. And I would never be the same again. I looked at you as they placed you on the table and thought, “Oh my God, she is so beautiful! How did I create such a thing of beauty? And look at all that hair!”

And then I heard your first cry. Oh, what a sweet sound that was and I thought to myself, “OK, we passed the first marker, she appears to be breathing.” This was the first of many things you would overcome. Doctors had prepped us for this. They told us you may not be able to breathe because your lungs may have been underdeveloped. We were all worried but put our faith in God that he would help you pull through. They brought you to your mom as she lay on the operating table for the 2 of you to finally meet in person. I started to cry. The look you gave your mom and the look she gave you were just priceless, and I thought, “This is my family, thank you God!”

The doctors said they had to take you quickly into the NICU and started to leave. I kissed your mommy on the forehead and told her I would take care of you and I followed. There they began to examine you and you cried. You cried as they measured you. You cried as they washed your hair. You cried as they examined your head, and I felt helpless. I felt so helpless because you were crying and I could not hold you and comfort you. A nurse must have saw this on my face and told me I could come closer and talk to you. This moment in time I will always remember and I hold very close to my heart. This is when I knew just how much I loved you and that I would do anything for my precious little girl.

As I stood next to your table in awe of you, I was finally able to say something. I remember saying, “It’s ok, daddy‘s here” and then you tuned you head. You turned your head toward me, looked at me and stopped crying. You looked at me with your swollen eyes as to say “Hi daddy, I love you!” I was in shock as were the nurses. I remember them saying, “Look, she knows your voice!” I was amazed and speechless. I didn’t know what else to do, so I cried again. I cried and came closer and kissed you on the forehead. As I pulled away you gave me this look. It was a look I would come to see many more time in the future. “Its ok daddy, I’ll be fine” was what you were telling me as I stood there crying over you. At that moment, I stopped crying and thought “What an amazing little girl! Your right, things will be fine.” I felt at peace. I felt your love. And I felt Gods hands holding me up.

Today is your 6 month birthday and you are giving me gifts today. Thank you Munchers for all of the wonderful memories you have given me, especially this one. Thank you for 16 wonderful weeks in your presence. Thank you for showing me the meaning of true love between a father and a daughter. Thank you for all of your cries, your smiles, your dirty diapers, your late night feeding. Thank you for bringing God back into my life. Thank you for bringing your mom and I even closer together. Thank you for being you. As I said before, I will never be the same and I thank you for that most of all.

Today is you 6 month birthday and while I am happy for today I am also sad because you’re not here with us. I wish that you were still here to help us celebrate today. I wish you were still here to help celebrate many more birthdays and milestones. I wish I could have seen you grow up. I wish I could have seen you conquer the world. I know you would have. You were always so determined to do things your way, and I miss that too. I miss you Zayana Grace!

Today is your 6 month birthday. Happy 6 month birthday Munchers!! Mommy and daddy miss their little girl so much! We love you!

Always and Forever,

Your Loving Daddy

Birth Day

2011-06-23T14:49:00.000-07:00

Oh, my little Honey Bear. Six months ago, I looked into the deep, soulful brown eyes that would change me forever. That moment will always be seared into my heart.

For months, I had prayed and worried and prayed and worried about your entrance into this world. We didn't know how long we would have with our precious baby girl.

As they manipulated my body in ways I didn't know were possible, I had one prayer- please let her cry. I needed to know your little lungs would be strong enough to at least let me hold you alive. That I could at least say hello to my little girl before I had to say good-bye.

Then, I heard it. The most precious sound to ever fall upon my ears. Your sweet, labored little yelp. I gave a silent Thank You before my prayers became more detailed. There was so much unknown. It was an agonizing moment or two before I got to see your beautiful,swollen little face,all scrunched up and confused. And that hair! Oh the hair! It was the talk of the room. Then, you were wisked away to the NICU. It tore me apart to see you go, but I knew your loving daddy would be with you.

The longest three hours of my life followed as waited alone in recovery,my every thought consumed by concern of how you were doing. I didn't care that I couldn't feel my legs, or that my insides had just been torn apart, or that a stranger was torturing me every 15 minutes by pressing on my belly. I only wanted to see my precious Zayana Grace. To hold you, to talk to you, to kiss your fuzzy little head,to let you know that Mommy is here and that everything would be okay.

After an eternity, the moment finally arrived. The nurse wheeled me in on my gurney to see you. To REALLY see you for the first time, not just a passing glance. My heart and mind were wrought with worry. I had heard that your head was swollen and that you were having difficulty breathing. Your little leg had been stuck up by your face and they had trouble putting it into its rightful place.

At first, I was taken aback by all of the wires and tubing. Your glorious locks were covered by a mesh stocking and your beautiful mouth was taken over by a large breathing mask. All I could see were those amazing brown eyes. When I gazed into your eyes, time stood still. Here, in the fight of your life, you were somehow able to speak to me through the windows of your soul, and oh they spoke volumes! At that moment, I knew that you were going to be okay. You told me so.

As the days of uncertainty passed, there was one constant- those big brown eyes of reassurance. All of the odds were stacked against you, all of the doctors skeptical, but those big brown eyes told us otherwise. Thank you for that gift, mija. A gift you not only shared with your mommy and daddy, but with any one who needed it. Your daddy and I watched in amazement as friends and family were ushered in one by one, with heavy hearts, expecting to say good-bye. You worked your magic, transforming sadness into joy and hope with one transcendent glance. We could not have been more proud to be your parents. Our little Warrior Princess, fighting against all odds, yet more concerned with spreading love and hope to those around her.

And that's how you continued to live your life, precious little one. Always trying to brighten the day of others, especially your mommy and daddy. And you did, mija. You were the sunshine of our home. Your too-short 16 weeks of life brought many challenges, but also brought more joy, laughter and hope then we have ever known. Even in the midst of the trials, I had never been happier. How could I not be filled with joy looking at this face:

Oh, my little Munchers. I miss you every day. So much. The house is too quiet and my arms are too empty. There is a Zayana-shaped hole in my heart. Today, I miss you the most. From the moment we took you home at 9 days old, I was sure you were going to continue to beat the odds. I had great plans for your 6-month birthday. What an accomplishment! Half-way to the Big 1-Year Blowout celebration! I often dreamt about what you would be doing by 6 months-well on your way to conquering the world, for sure! You would be surpassing your own special Zayana milestones, and each one would be reason for great rejoicing. My heart aches that you don't have the opportunity to show us all you could accomplish.

But, I'll try not to dwell on what could have been,though it is so very difficult. That would only take away from what was. And, what was is truly astounding. What you did in 16 weeks, most people will never attain in a full lifetime. I can only pray that my life has a fraction of the purpose, love and hope that your precious life did. Oh, Snuggle Puppy of mine, everything about you is especially fine. I love who you are, I love what you do, Oh, Snuggle Puppy, I LOVE YOU! Your life will give me courage to keep going and make the most out of mine. And, anytime I am in doubt, all I'll have to do is look into those eyes...

Happy 6 Month Birthday, Zayana Grace!

Definition of a Daddy

2011-06-22T13:43:00.000-07:00

We were so happy to add to our family!

I've often been told I have a way with words. That may or may not be true, but sometimes words are inadequate. Sometimes, something is so profound that it cannot be bound by the mere combination of letters. Ernesto's role as a Daddy is one of those things. People who were blessed enough to watch this amazing man in action will understand. Throughout my life, I've witness many outstanding fathers, but never have I seen one man embody everything a little girl would hope and dream for in a Daddy like my husband. I've understood the heart of our Heavenly Father more deeply by watching Ernesto pour his heart and soul into Zayana Grace. At this point, I will let the pictures speak for themselves. Happy Father's Day, Ernesto. Thank you for loving our daughter as you do. Precious baby girl Zayana Grace, thank you for being the best possible teacher. We love and miss you with all our hearts.

Daddy working hard to get ready for his girl!

It's okay, Mija. Daddy's here.

Proud Pappa

I love you, Daddy!

Daddy Kisses!!!!

Daddy and Munchers are tired after Bath Time!

Tell me a story, Daddy!

Daddy, you sure are handsome!

Can I go home soon, Daddy?

Head to head, heart to heart.

Snuggle time with Daddy!

We love you, Munchers!

A Tough Day...

2011-06-21T23:25:00.000-07:00

Written June 19, 2011

Lovin on my Munchers.

Today has to be one of the hardest days I have had to ever face. The memories are still fresh as if it were yesterday but it wasn’t, it was two month ago today that you went to spend eternity with God and Jesus. While I am happy that you are in heaven, I am also sad that I don’t get to spend Father’s day with you, my precious daughter. Last year, my first Father’s Day, you were in your mom’s belly and I was so happy and excited that I was going to be your dad! Even though we did not know your sex I knew you were going to be a girl!! I was certain of it. Every time I thought about you, I thought “she”. I just knew. We even had your name picked out. It was a very exciting time for me!

Me & Z on the day of her birth.

But now you’re gone and sometimes it’s very hard to get through the day. Your memory lingers in my mind and always brings me a smile when I think of all of the happy time we had in such a short time. With the happiness also comes the sadness. The sadness of not having you here with your mom and I, not being able to hear your sweet little cry, not being able to feel your sweet little touch with your beautiful long fingers, not being able to look into your deep, dark brown eyes and seeing just how much you loved us, not being able to smell your scent that was so distinct that words cannot express what you smelled like. Your mom likes to say you sometimes smelled like sweaty Band-Aids with a hint of apricot. This is true but it seemed like much more. It was the sweetest smell I could ever imagine. And now it’s gone. You’re gone. And a big part of me is gone, and I am sad.

Holding my baby girl.

I really do try to not be sad little one, but it’s just that I feel so empty at times. Your mom and I have talked about it and we both agree, it’s like our purpose in life has gone away. What we mean by that is that our lives were so wrapped into yours that we felt complete We didn’t mind getting up in the early morning hours to feed your, or change you, or hold you. We didn’t mind the fact that we didn’t go out anymore and we were always home with our precious little girl. Our lives WERE to take care of you! That’s what we did and that’s all we wanted to do! And when that was taken away from us, we just felt lost, alone, and confused.

And on a day like today, Fathers Day, I feel it even more. The tears were very heavy this past week as I thought about the upcoming day and its two significances. I apologize for being so sad this week, it’s hard not to be when my heart breaks every time I think of you or look at a picture of you. It’s hard to believe that the same pictures I look at to bring me great happiness will bring me so much sadness. Sadness that I will not be able to take more pictures of you. Sadness that I will not get to see you grow up. Sadness that you are gone.

Our sadness runs very deep and I’m afraid it always will. For our loss is great. The loss of a child is a pain I wish on no one. I truly wish you mom and I did not have to face it, especially you mother. But we have to and we are trying to push through. It’s just going to take time. So I hope you can be patient with us Munchers, mommy and daddy are going to be sad for a long time because we miss you so much. We know your missing us too. And we know that God is comforting you in person. This does give us piece of mind. But we still miss you so much.

I miss you Munchers, and on this Fathers Day I miss you more than ever. My arms feel so empty today and I try to remember our father-daughter dance we had on the night of your passing. No tubes, no IV’s, just you and I. I finally was able to hold you close to my chest without having to worry so much about you fragile little chest. I still was careful, but I wanted to hold you as close as I could. You in your pretty pink dress and me in something not so elegant, we just danced around the room for what seemed like forever. That was my favorite place in the world. And I am so glad to have that memory. I promise you Munchers to always save you a dance on Father’s Day. You and I, my sweet little angel, will dance again. I love you.

Always and forever,

Your loving daddy.

Here is one of my favorite videos of me and Z.

2011-06-19T15:34:00.001-07:00

Wanted to wish everyone a Happy Fathers Day. Hold you children tight and never let go!

Five month birthday...

2011-05-25T11:46:00.000-07:00

Written May 23rd

Happy 5 month birthday to our sweet baby girl Zayana Grace!! Today will be a day of remembrance for me as I will try to focus on all the happiness you brought to our lives. And believe me, you have given us plenty to be happy about. Ive said this before and I will continue to say it, but in 16 weeks you have given us so many gifts and that in itself makes me smile. This is your birthday and your the one giving us gifts!! You are truly amazing little girl!

Your smile was also so infectious and I was so glad to be able to experience it. I remember the first time you smiled at me. While many people say that newborns babies don't smile, I would say you proved them wrong. I can swear that you smiled at me those first days in the NICU.

Your ability to give me prospective on things was just amazing. While you did not do this in words, you did this with your looks. When I was down or having a bad day you knew that giving me a specific look or smile or coo would turn my day around. Witnessing this and thinking of all of the hardships you have faced and would be facing made me realize that if you could be happy how could I not be.

Your ability to love was unbelievable. I could see it in your eyes just how much you loved us. I do wish that I would have heard you talk and say it but just looking into your deep brown eyes told me everything you could not. You love for us was what keep us going, especially during the tough times.

Your strength and courage had no ends. I don't know too many adult including myself that could have gone through what you did and pushed through. You were the one that provided comfort to us when it should have been us comforting you. With all of the medical issues you faced you were the one that was calm, cool, and collected.

You were such a beautiful baby. I know I may be a little bias as you dad but I can honestly say that you were just amazingly beautiful. From your teeny tiny toes to all of that hair and everything in between, you were perfection. I remember looking at you for one of the many hours I did and thinking that you were too beautiful to be my child.

You gave us so many gifts Munchers that I could go on for hours stating them all. At times I wish I could. But the best gift of all that you gave us was you. I could not imagine having a more special little girl than you and I thank God everyday for letting me be your father. I know that our time together here on Earth was short but I believe that we will make up for lost time in heaven. And then you will probably continue to give me gifts, even on your birthdays!

Happy 5 month birthday Munchers!! Daddy misses and loves you very much!!

I'll hold you in

my heart until the day

I die, then I will hold you

in my arms once again.

-Author Unknown

One month.....

2011-05-20T11:19:00.000-07:00

Our little Munchers,

Its hard to believe that you have been gone for a month now. As the days go by and the world continues to spin our lives have seem to come to a standstill and it is still hard to come to grips with everything. Your mom and I spend lots of time thinking of you and dreaming of what could have been. We talk lots of all of the good time we had, "Remember when she did this...." and "Remember when she did that..." and "Remember how she would look when...".

At times I feel like all of this talking and thinking doesn't make things easier, but that goes away quickly when I look at a picture of you and your big beautiful brown eyes and that sheepish grin you use to have. You brought so much joy into our lives and you still continue to do so as well. And while it may not be with your physical presence, its with your spirit and your ever presence with our Lord. I know your up in heaven whispering in Gods ear, "Hey God, how bout a sunny day for my daddy because he's down today and we know that he loves sunny days" or "Hey God, how bout a rainbow with the brightest orange possible because orange is my favorite color and mommy know I love orange" or "Hey God, how bout we play one of their favorite songs on the radio". Its all of these little reminders that bring us so much joy because we can see your sweet little fingerprints all over them. But they also can make us a little sad because it reminds us that your not hear with us.

We still miss you so much and take turns crying for you. We cry in each others arms and tell one another just how much we miss our Munchers. We hold each other up and tell ourselves that your in a better place and that your looking down on us and that you miss us too. We whisper to each other that you loved us with all of your heart and that you wouldn't want us to be sad for too long and that you would tell us to stop fussing over you because your OK and to be strong. We're trying to little Z, but it sure is hard.

I can tell you its hard to be strong when it seems like every passing day this just gets harder and harder. As more time passes by it may eventually get a little easier but I honestly hope not too much because I never want to forget my precious little girl. And I am sure that days like today and other events such as your birthday, holidays, and especially the day of your passing will always bring us great pain and sorrow because we miss our baby girl. But because of your strength and how you taught us to be strong we will try to be as strong as our little warrior princess.

An example would be like yesterday and today. Yesterday daddy had it so hard because it was his birthday and all I ever wanted to do was spend it with my little girl. It was hard for me to be happy when my arms felt so empty and my heart felt like it had a large hole in it. But your mommy and God tried their best to make me feel better. Your mom would put herself in my arms so they wouldn't feel so empty and God filled the hole in my heart. While this did help, it was remembering just how strong you were that help me get through the day. Daddy was going to try to be strong just like his little girl. Today was more of the same because it has been a month today. I pushed through most of the day but as soon as I got home, I cried. I'm sure you saw me as I was sitting in your nursery looking at your pictures and writing you this letter. And as I was looking outside the window, I could see your little fingers pulling back the clouds and making the sun come out. This act little girl, again helped me to gather my strength. Thank you.

So please continue to provide me strength and help me to be strong for your mommy. She loves you and misses you lots too and as you know she also has hard day. Continue to whisper in Gods ear and provide us with those sweet little gifts. We love them so much. Daddy loves you Munchers and I will try to be strong for you.

With all my heart and love,

Your Daddy

Bloomsday 2011

2011-05-16T14:19:00.000-07:00

In trying to catch up with the blog, I am posting some pictures from our walk at Bloomsday in Spokane, WA. While it is usually a run, we decided to walk it along with the many other people did too. The walk was going to be on May 1st and at first my sisters Christina and Patty along with dad were going to walk it in honor of our daughter Zayana and help to raise awareness by wearing a yellow T-shirt talking about OI. After Zayana's passing Chris and I decided to join the walk and dedicate it to our little warrior princess.

The week before the walk the weather had been nothing but rain and cold. As always our baby girl came through for us again. She whispered in God's ear and ask for some sunshine for her mommy and daddy. The day could not be any more perfect!! Thank you so much Munchers!! Mommy and Daddy love you and miss you soooo much!!!

Mother's Day

2011-05-13T14:58:00.000-07:00

Mother's Day is a day to celebrate the beauty of motherhood. We had hoped that this year we would be able to do this wilth our beautiful daughter but in God's great plan that was not to be. It is very tough to celebrate a day dedicated to being a parent when you have recently lost a child. I know its hard for me and I know that it must be hard for Chris, especially on a day such as Mother's Day. A day where images of mother and child are everywhere and all you want to do is hold your child and say "I love you".
Its hard to look at your wife and see the tears in her eyes when you tell her "Happy Mother's Day" because there is nothing you can do to help her feel better. All you can do at that moment is help in wiping away the tears. You tell her how proud you are of her and how much of an amazing job she did raising our daughter and hope that it helps. Deep down you know it does but you also know that there is still a void there, a void that can only be filled by the looks of a precious warrior princess with big brown eyes. I know the void is still there because I feel it too. But on a special day as this, I can only imagine just how deep it feels for her.

For Mothers Day this year we decided to get away and go to one of our favoite places. We went to Manzanita to spend some time just to ourselves. With eveything that has happened in the last 4 months, we have not had a lot of time just to ourselves. The time spent together was good and it help us refresh our batteries. We laughed, we cried, we slept, and cried some more. We talked about all the wonderful times we had with our Munchers and how she made us better people. We thought about the what ifs and the whys and what nows. Overall it was a great weekend and we hated to see it come to an end and have to come back to the reality that was awaiting us back home. An empty apartment, back to work, and a cat that lets us know that we have not paid him enough attention.

We want to say "Happy Mother's Day" to our mothers and thank them for all they have done for us, especially in these last couple of months. We also want to send Mothers Day wishes to all of your friends that have recently become or have been mothers. You all are doing fantastic jobs and know that you are appreciated. Hold your children tight and tell them you love them every minute of every day.

And to my wife, my sweet beauiful wife, I want to wish you a Happy Mothers Day, one in the line of many more to come with all our wonderful children including our sweet daughter Zayana Grace. I am here for you my love and I will always be! I love you!

Oh yea, Z wanted me to tell you.........

Happy Mom's Day mommy!! I love and miss you so much!!

Here are a couple of other pics from our weekend away:

Wearing yellow for Wishbone Day!

Love you Munchers!!!

2011-05-06T00:17:00.001-07:00

HAPPY WISHBONE DAY!

Thank you

2011-05-02T12:54:00.000-07:00

From the bottom of our hearts we would like to say thank you to all who attended our daughters memorial service, have sent us cards and prayers, or even just thought about us or our precious little baby girl. It has meant so much to us to receive all of your support during these tough times for our family. Without your support or Gods love we probably would have crumbled by now. We have definitely felt very blessed to be amongst so many wonderful people. Again thank you so much!!

Please remember Wishbone Day on May 6th and show your support by wearing yellow!

PSA

2011-04-28T01:55:00.000-07:00

Zayana would love to remind all of you about Wishbone Day May 6th. Please watch this public service announcement.

Remember to wear yellow for Wishbone Day! Love you and miss you so much Munchers!!

Touched the world...

2011-04-26T09:55:00.000-07:00

Our little baby girl continues to inspire! The link below takes you to a small write up in The Spokesman Review in Spokane, WA about our angel. We are so proud that she continues to touch others and changes lives. God bless our little girl! We miss you so much!!

http://www.spokesman.com/blogs/endnotes/2011/apr/24/warrior-princess-easter-message/

Obits

2011-04-23T13:08:00.000-07:00

Below is the link to Zayana's obit in today's Oregoninan.

http://obits.oregonlive.com/obituaries/oregon/obituary.aspx?n=zayana-grace-dec-mendez&pid=150475783

We have also placed obits in the Tri-City Hearld, Spokesman Review (Spokane, WA), Hillsboro Argus, and The Monitor (Weslaco, TX). These should be in Sundays papers or the next printing.

God Bless our baby girl!

Happy Birthday!

2011-04-23T11:15:00.000-07:00

Happy 4 month birthday to beautiful baby girl Zayana Grace. Mommy and Daddy miss you lots!!

Zayana Grace Mendez

2011-04-21T17:55:00.000-07:00

On April 19, 2011 we experience a great loss to our family. Our daughter Zayana passed away at 12:32am of complications with respiratory issues. Our little girl was the most loving, caring, giving person that we have ever met and at only 16 weeks old she taught us a lot about life. She will truly be missed.

We will be having a memorial service for her on April 29th at 4pm at Southwest Bible Church in Beaverton. The address is 14605 SW Weir Road, Beaverton, OR. All are welcome to attend.

God bless and Rest in Peace our sweet little baby girl Zayana Grace.

OI Awareness

2011-03-08T15:11:00.000-08:00

Having a daughter with Osteogenesis Imperfecta has given us awareness of just how precious life is and how important it is to cherish each and every person in your life. We want to thank everyone that has helped us out so much since December 23. Our families, friends, and even complete strangers have provided us with so much love that we have never felt alone in our time of need. We have received so much good will from so many people that we feel like we have to do our part to pay it forward. One thing that we would like to do is bring OI awareness to the mainstream. If your looking for a worthy cause to donate to, please consider donating to the OI Foundation or Shriner's Hospital. These are two institutions that are helping us. Another way we are trying to spread awareness is with OI awareness blue wristbands. These wristbands are like the "Livestong" bands, but blue in color with "Unbreakable Spirit" imprinted. These are available on the OI website (link to the right) under store. I also have some available that I have purchased. So if you want one let me know and if I have any left I can give you one. There are also many other items on the website so please check it out!

Also, OI Awareness week is May 9th to the 15th and Wishbone day is May 6th. Both will help in providing more positive awareness about OI. Please click on the links below for more information about both causes. Again thank you for all you have done for us and know that your thoughts, prayers and our daughters love helps us make it through each day!

http://www.wishboneday.com/

Two Months

2011-03-07T02:03:00.000-08:00

At times its hard to believe that two months have passed. Our little girl continues to amaze us everyday. With everything that she faces you can tell that she tries hard to accomplish what is put in front of her. While people say that at three months a baby starts to develop their personalities, Zayana seems to already have a strong one of her own. We know that she will need that and she will definitely use it as she does now. Its amazing how a little being can keep you on your toes!!

Zayana is doing great! We have been very fortunate with her health and have not had many issues. She seems to be growing but as a slower pace than most newborns and is learning herself how to move her arms and legs. To us, she is just a regular baby who needs a little extra care. We wouldn't have her any other way!!

Thank you all for all of your prayers and well wishes. It has truly helped us when times get tough. Here are some recent shots of Z in a new outfit for her two month birthday that we would love to share with you.

Bath time.

2011-02-08T09:13:00.000-08:00

It has never been an easy thing to bath Z, especially with her condition. But as time has come and as we have had more practice, bath time is becoming more enjoyable. Zayana loves to take a bath, just as long as its on her terms. She especially loves having her hair and head rubbed. I also can say that it is a very memorable time for me too! Here are a few pics of the aftermath of one of our first successful baths!

Our little girl...

2011-02-02T11:44:00.000-08:00

After we brought home Zayana our friends at Stott Shots Photography come over and took some wonderful pictures of our little girl. They were great pictures and we can not thank Stotts Shots enough. If your looking for photographers, we highly recommend them! We have provided a link to their website to the right. Here are just a few of the pictures taken.

Some of my favorites....

2011-01-30T11:01:00.000-08:00

Thank you for visit our blog. It has been a little over a month since we have brought our precious baby girl Zayana home. Things are well and we could not ask for a more beatiful perfect little girl (except maybe at night!!). Here are a few of my favorite pics from when we were in the hospital waiting to bring her home.

Here is a proud grand papa!

The moment I knew that things would be alright.

Tio & Tia Jackson.

Tia Christina.

Momma is happy to see her baby.

My precious little girl!

In her crib at the hospital.

Proud grandparents and one happy daddy!

Simba and the baby.

Its good to be home!

Ill keep you posted with more pics, videos and stories later!!

Ernesto

Mendez Moments

A Very Special Birthday Wish

More Zayana Videos

January 1, 2011

The New Year

December 24, 2010 Slideshow

December 23, 2010 Slideshow

December 24th and 25th, 2010

Merry Christmas

In Z's Memory

A Year in Retrospect

Happy Birthday

Your Mommy's Birthday

9 Months

Ziggy

September 19th: Two Years/Five Months

Your Prayers Are Needed

Stumped and sad

Daddy's Girl

Prayer

Missing You So Much

Thinking of You

Heart to Heart/Books

Brave

In My Dreams...

Strength

Three Months Ago.....

Camp Attitude

Taking the steps she'll never take...

So true....

Six Months...

Birth Day

Definition of a Daddy

A Tough Day...

Five month birthday...

One month.....

Bloomsday 2011

Mother's Day

Thank you

PSA

Touched the world...

Obits

Happy Birthday!

Zayana Grace Mendez

OI Awareness

Two Months

Bath time.

Our little girl...

Some of my favorites....