Taking the steps she'll never take...

Last weekend, we spent a bittersweet day honoring Zayana's memory by walking in Noah's Quest in Sandy,OR. Noah's Quest is an annual event that brings families who have lost little ones together to remember, to cry, to share, to "take the steps they'll never take." We met some amazing families who shared in our grief, listened to our stories and who, of course, remarked on what a perfectly adorable little girl Zayana Grace is. It was a comfort to know that we are not alone, but the many children and babies who accompanied their families were a painful reminder of what we do not have. However, we must focus not on what we are missing, but on what we had the joy of experiencing- 16 weeks with the most beautiful, loving, amazing baby girl.

We invited family to walk with us. Some were unable to attend (understandable). Some chose not to attend (hurtful). We ended up with a small but mighty group draped in orange and sporting Zayana's gorgeous face. Next year we plan on extending the invitation to anyone who would like to honor Z's memory. We hope to have a huge turn out.

Munchers, we felt you cheering us on. Hope you enjoyed your balloons and all of the orange! Thanks for the sunshine. We miss you so very much and love you with all of our hearts. Thank you for blessing us so greatly.

Uncle Dan and Cousin Katie

All the ladies. Special shout out to Tia Christina (far left) who drove from Spokane to honor Z and
who has become a huge crusader for OI Awareness!



Remembering their precious grandbaby.



Pictures don't do it justice, but doves were released in honor of our babies. Majestic.

Baby Z, always shining her light down on us!

So true....

Our friend at "Colin's Corner" recently had a great post.  He listed a top 10 of the worst things that can be said (especially to him) to a grieving parent.  It helps to explain some of the feelings I have been having lately with people and their need to help or say something significant to make me feel better.  People need to understand that there is nothing that they can do that will or can make us feel better.  WE ARE GRIEVING!  Please let us grieve in our own way. Like he said, "...sometimes silence is golden."  But this does not mean that you shouldn't acknowledge the fact that we lost our child.  I think that hurts even more, when people pretend like nothing happened.  If I can give anyone a word of advice on how to deal with a grieving parent is just let them be.  Put yourself in there shoes and think on how you would want to be treated in this situation.  I hope and pray that you never have to be.

I'm sorry if this post feels a little negative or confrontational but its just some feeling I have been having lately and I had to let them out.  Thank you all for understanding.  All I can say is GRIEF SUCKS!

And to you my little Munchers, daddy will never let you go and I will be thinking of you everyday, I promise.  I know you understand if daddy is sad, I know your probably sad too!  But we will be sad together as we will be happy together!   And one day we WILL be together again, and I will be able to tell you in person that I love you!!  I can't wait till that day!  Daddy loves you and misses you sooo much Zayana Grace! 

Always and Forever,

Your loving Daddy

Six Months...

Written June 23, 2011

Today we should be celebrating the day you turned 6 months old.  To most, 6 months would not have been a huge accomplishment.  But for us, this day would have been a huge marker!  Doctors had told us that if you could make it through the first year, your chances would be greater.  Today would have been the half way point of that short journey and we would be so proud of all you have accomplished in 6 months.  We would still be holding our breath waiting to see what the next 6 months would have brought us.  We would be wondering what would be the next road block you would face and what you would do to overcome it, what new things you would have accomplished, and best of all, 6 more months of our Munchers!!

Today is your 6 month birthday and I am so happy for today.  6 months ago today in the early morning hours of December 23 you physically came into our lives and changed it forever.  I will always remember when I first saw you and you took my breath away.  With my breath, you also stole my heart.  And I would never be the same again.  I looked at you as they placed you on the table and thought, “Oh my God, she is so beautiful! How did I create such a thing of beauty?  And look at all that hair!” 

And then I heard your first cry.  Oh, what a sweet sound that was and I thought to myself, “OK, we passed the first marker, she appears to be breathing.”  This was the first of many things you would overcome.  Doctors had prepped us for this.  They told us you may not be able to breathe because your lungs may have been underdeveloped.  We were all worried but put our faith in God that he would help you pull through.  They brought you to your mom as she lay on the operating table for the 2 of you to finally meet in person. I started to cry.  The look you gave your mom and the look she gave you were just priceless, and I thought, “This is my family, thank you God!” 

The doctors said they had to take you quickly into the NICU and started to leave.  I kissed your mommy on the forehead and told her I would take care of you and I followed.  There they began to examine you and you cried.  You cried as they measured you.  You cried as they washed your hair.  You cried as they examined your head, and I felt helpless.  I felt so helpless because you were crying and I could not hold you and comfort you.  A nurse must have saw this on my face and told me I could come closer and talk to you.  This moment in time I will always remember and I hold very close to my heart.  This is when I knew just how much I loved you and that I would do anything for my precious little girl.

 As I stood next to your table in awe of you, I was finally able to say something.  I remember saying, “It’s ok, daddy‘s here” and then you tuned you head.  You turned your head toward me, looked at me and stopped crying.  You looked at me with your swollen eyes as to say “Hi daddy, I love you!”  I was in shock as were the nurses.  I remember them saying, “Look, she knows your voice!”  I was amazed and speechless.  I didn’t know what else to do, so I cried again.  I cried and came closer and kissed you on the forehead.  As I pulled away you gave me this look.  It was a look I would come to see many more time in the future.  “Its ok daddy, I’ll be fine” was what you were telling me as I stood there crying over you.  At that moment, I stopped crying and thought “What an amazing little girl!  Your right, things will be fine.”  I felt at peace.  I felt your love.  And I felt Gods hands holding me up.

Today is your 6 month birthday and you are giving me gifts today.  Thank you Munchers for all of the wonderful memories you have given me, especially this one.  Thank you for 16 wonderful weeks in your presence.  Thank you for showing me the meaning of true love between a father and a daughter.  Thank you for all of your cries, your smiles, your dirty diapers, your late night feeding.  Thank you for bringing God back into my life. Thank you for bringing your mom and I even closer together.  Thank you for being you.   As I said before, I will never be the same and I thank you for that most of all. 

Today is you 6 month birthday and while I am happy for today I am also sad because you’re not here with us.  I wish that you were still here to help us celebrate today.  I wish you were still here to help celebrate many more birthdays and milestones.  I wish I could have seen you grow up.  I wish I could have seen you conquer the world.  I know you would have.  You were always so determined to do things your way, and I miss that too.  I miss you Zayana Grace!

Today is your 6 month birthday. Happy 6 month birthday Munchers!!  Mommy and daddy miss their little girl so much! We love you!

Always and Forever,

Your Loving Daddy

Birth Day

Oh, my little Honey Bear. Six months ago, I looked into the deep, soulful brown eyes that would change me forever. That moment will always be seared into my heart.

For months, I had prayed and worried and prayed and worried about your entrance into this world. We didn't know how long we would have with our precious baby girl.

As they manipulated my body in ways I didn't know were possible, I had one prayer- please let her cry. I needed to know your little lungs would be strong enough to at least let me hold you alive. That I could at least say hello to my little girl before I had to say good-bye.

Then, I heard it. The most precious sound to ever fall upon my ears. Your sweet, labored little yelp. I gave a silent Thank You before my prayers became more detailed. There was so much unknown. It was an agonizing moment or two before I got to see your beautiful,swollen little face,all scrunched up and confused. And that hair! Oh the hair! It was the talk of the room. Then, you were wisked away to the NICU. It tore me apart to see you go, but I knew your loving daddy would be with you.

The longest three hours of my life followed as waited alone in recovery,my every thought consumed by concern of how you were doing. I didn't care that I couldn't feel my legs, or that my insides had just been torn apart, or that a stranger was torturing me every 15 minutes by pressing on my belly.  I only wanted to see my precious Zayana Grace. To hold you, to talk to you, to kiss your fuzzy little head,to let you know that Mommy is here and that everything would be okay.

After an eternity, the moment finally arrived. The nurse wheeled me in on my gurney to see you. To REALLY see you for the first time, not just a passing glance. My heart and mind were wrought with worry. I had heard that your head was swollen and that you were having difficulty breathing. Your little leg had been stuck up by your face and they had trouble putting it into its rightful place.

At first, I was taken aback by all of the wires and tubing. Your glorious locks were covered by a mesh stocking and your beautiful mouth was taken over by a large breathing mask. All I could see were those amazing brown eyes. When I gazed into your eyes, time stood still. Here, in the fight of your life, you were somehow able to speak to me through the windows of your soul, and oh they spoke volumes! At that moment, I knew that you were going to be okay. You told me so.

As the days of uncertainty passed, there was one constant- those big brown eyes of reassurance. All of the odds were stacked against you, all of the doctors skeptical, but those big brown eyes told us otherwise. Thank you for that gift, mija. A gift you not only shared with  your mommy and daddy, but with any one who needed it. Your daddy and I watched in amazement as friends and family were ushered in one by one, with heavy hearts, expecting to say good-bye. You worked your magic, transforming sadness into joy and hope with one transcendent glance. We could not have been more proud to be your parents. Our little Warrior Princess, fighting against all odds, yet more concerned with spreading love and hope to those around her.

And that's how you continued to live your life, precious little one. Always trying to brighten the day of others, especially your mommy and daddy. And you did, mija. You were the sunshine of our home. Your too-short 16 weeks of life brought many challenges, but also brought more joy, laughter and hope then we have ever known. Even in the midst of the trials, I had never been happier. How could I not be filled with joy looking at this face:



Oh, my little Munchers. I miss you every day. So much. The house is too quiet and my arms are too empty. There is a Zayana-shaped hole in my heart. Today, I miss you the most. From the moment we took you home at 9 days old, I was sure you were going to continue to beat the odds. I had great plans for your 6-month birthday. What an accomplishment! Half-way to the Big 1-Year Blowout celebration! I often dreamt about what you would be doing by 6 months-well on your way to conquering the world, for sure! You would be surpassing your own special Zayana milestones, and each one would be reason for great rejoicing. My heart aches that you don't have the opportunity to show us all you could accomplish.

But, I'll try not to dwell on what could have been,though  it is so very difficult. That would only take away from what was. And, what was is truly astounding. What you did in 16 weeks, most people will never attain in a full lifetime. I can only pray that my life has a fraction of the purpose, love and hope that your precious life did. Oh, Snuggle Puppy of mine, everything about you is especially fine. I love who you are, I love what you do, Oh, Snuggle Puppy, I LOVE YOU! Your life will give me courage to keep going and make the most out of mine. And, anytime I am in doubt, all I'll have to do is look into those eyes...

Happy 6 Month Birthday, Zayana Grace!

Definition of a Daddy

We were so happy to add to our family!

I've often been told I have a way with words. That may or may not be true, but sometimes words are inadequate. Sometimes, something is so profound that it cannot be bound by the mere combination of letters. Ernesto's role as a Daddy is one of those things. People who were blessed enough to watch this amazing man in action will understand. Throughout my life, I've witness many outstanding fathers, but never have I seen one man embody everything a little girl would hope and dream for in a Daddy like my husband. I've understood the heart of our Heavenly Father more deeply by watching Ernesto pour his heart and soul into Zayana Grace. At this point, I will let the pictures speak for themselves. Happy Father's Day, Ernesto. Thank you for loving our daughter as you do. Precious baby girl Zayana Grace, thank you for being the best possible teacher. We love and miss you with all our hearts.

Daddy working hard to get ready for his girl!

  

It's okay, Mija. Daddy's here.

Proud Pappa

I love you, Daddy!

Daddy Kisses!!!!

Daddy and Munchers are tired after Bath Time!

Tell me a story, Daddy!

Daddy, you sure are handsome!

Can I go home soon, Daddy?

Head to head, heart to heart.

Snuggle time with Daddy!

We love you, Munchers!

A Tough Day...

Written June 19, 2011

Lovin on my Munchers.



Today has to be one of the hardest days I have had to ever face.  The memories are still fresh as if it were yesterday but it wasn’t, it was two month ago today that you went to spend eternity with God and Jesus.  While I am happy that you are in heaven, I am also sad that I don’t get to spend Father’s day with you, my precious daughter.  Last year, my first Father’s Day, you were in your mom’s belly and I was so happy and excited that I was going to be your dad!  Even though we did not know your sex I knew you were going to be a girl!!  I was certain of it.  Every time I thought about you, I thought “she”.  I just knew.  We even had your name picked out.  It was a very exciting time for me! 



Me & Z on the day of her birth.

But now you’re gone and sometimes it’s very hard to get through the day.  Your memory lingers in my mind and always brings me a smile when I think of all of the happy time we had in such a short time.  With the happiness also comes the sadness.  The sadness of not having you here with your mom and I, not being able to hear your sweet little cry, not being able to feel your sweet little touch with your beautiful long fingers, not being able to look into your deep, dark brown eyes and seeing just how much you loved us, not being able to smell your scent that was so distinct that words cannot express what you smelled like.  Your mom likes to say you sometimes smelled like sweaty Band-Aids with a hint of apricot.  This is true but it seemed like much more.  It was the sweetest smell I could ever imagine.  And now it’s gone.  You’re gone.  And a big part of me is gone, and I am sad.



Holding my baby girl.



I really do try to not be sad little one, but it’s just that I feel so empty at times.  Your mom and I have talked about it and we both agree, it’s like our purpose in life has gone away.  What we mean by that is that our lives were so wrapped into yours that we felt complete  We didn’t mind getting up in the early morning hours to feed your, or change you, or hold you.  We didn’t mind the fact that we didn’t go out anymore and we were always home with our precious little girl.  Our lives WERE to take care of you!  That’s what we did and that’s all we wanted to do!  And when that was taken away from us, we just felt lost, alone, and confused. 

And on a day like today, Fathers Day, I feel it even more.  The tears were very heavy this past week as I thought about the upcoming day and its two significances.  I apologize for being so sad this week, it’s hard not to be when my heart breaks every time I think of you or look at a picture of you.  It’s hard to believe that the same pictures I look at to bring me great happiness will bring me so much sadness. Sadness that I will not be able to take more pictures of you.  Sadness that I will not get to see you grow up.  Sadness that you are gone. 

Our sadness runs very deep and I’m afraid it always will.  For our loss is great.  The loss of a child is a pain I wish on no one.  I truly wish you mom and I did not have to face it, especially you mother. But we have to and we are trying to push through.  It’s just going to take time.  So I hope you can be patient with us Munchers, mommy and daddy are going to be sad for a long time because we miss you so much.  We know your missing us too.  And we know that God is comforting you in person.  This does give us piece of mind.  But we still miss you so much. 

I miss you Munchers, and on this Fathers Day I miss you more than ever.  My arms feel so empty today and I try to remember our father-daughter dance we had on the night of your passing.  No tubes, no IV’s, just you and I.  I finally was able to hold you close to my chest without having to worry so much about you fragile little chest.  I still was careful, but I wanted to hold you as close as I could.  You in your pretty pink dress and me in something not so elegant, we just danced around the room for what seemed like forever.  That was my favorite place in the world.  And I am so glad to have that memory.  I promise you Munchers to always save you a dance on Father’s Day.  You and I, my sweet little angel, will dance again.  I love you.

Always and forever,

Your loving daddy.

Here is one of my favorite videos of me and Z.

Wanted to wish everyone a Happy Fathers Day. Hold you children tight and never let go!